


Homeless

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Homeless, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Dean Winchester, Doctor Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic Bliss, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homelessness, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Top Castiel (Supernatural), Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 34,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22205179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When officer Gabriel finds a man with his leg chained to a wall in a basement, he calls on Doctor Castiel Novak for help.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 45
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I deleted this...I went through a weird few days. I got really high and had a moral quandary about this fic. Do you guys think it's too dark or in bad taste?

The first thing that hits him is the smell. It’s something otherworldly; like death. He holds a cloth over his nose as he descends the stairs into the basement. The police have already been in and turned on the lights, though it doesn’t do much to illuminate the vast darkness of the space.

An officer directs him to the corner. Castiel coughs behind the cloth and nods. The victim is over there, presumed dead on the scene. The killer is already in custody. Castiel shouldn’t even be here. It’s only his expertise that’s brought him to the scene.

The world is a cruel, heartless place. Sometimes the most helpless people are the ones who are treated the worst.

It’s a very real, very common problem that no one likes to talk about. In exchange for a place to live and food to eat, homeless people often become sex toys for those who can afford to keep them. He’s almost certain that’s what’s happened here. The cops wouldn’t have called him if that weren’t the case. He’s a doctor. He should be back at the hospital right now.

The officer standing behind him is Gabriel. He called Castiel and Castiel always comes when Gabriel calls.

He kneels beside the victim. The body should already be in the ambulance. It’s a human, not evidence. The victim is male, 30’s, light brown hair, and scars all over his body. Castiel turns the young man onto his back and checks for a pulse. He’s easy to move. He’s naked, lying curled up on a dirty mattress with one leg chained to the wall.

“He’s dead,” says Gabriel.

Castiel hushes him. He needs to listen. He closes his eyes and very faintly feels the steady thump of a heartbeat. “Get a stretcher in here now,” he shouts.

“You’re kidding,” breathes Gabriel. “He’s skin and bones. No way he’s alive.”

Castiel is too busy looking for keys or bolt cutters to answer.

“Here,” says Gabriel, handing him a key.

Castiel undoes the lock and has to peel the cuff away from his ankle. The skin beneath it is raw and bleeding. The man is in Castiel’s arms before the stretcher makes it downstairs.

They strap him down and load him into the ambulance. Castiel is barking orders in the back of the vehicle. Oxygen, fluids, antibiotics; the man needs so much he doesn’t know where to begin.

They arrive at the hospital and Castiel helps rush him to the emergency room. A pair of green eyes flash open and then flutter shut. Castiel’s heart skips a beat because the man he’s looking at shouldn’t be alive. It’s like seeing a corpse blink.

“Jesus,” mutters Gabriel.

“What are you doing here?”

“Following the action.”

“You can’t be in here,” says Castiel. “Wait outside. I’ll let you know what happens.”

Gabriel doesn’t argue.

They roll the man into a room and begin work. Castiel shouldn’t know how to save a life on the brink like this. He shouldn’t be this familiar with death. He should be sick to his stomach at the condition the man is in. He should be feeling nauseated instead of angry. But he’s done this so many times it’s almost routine.

* * *

Dean wakes up with a million tubes sticking out of him and no sense of where he is. The last time he was conscious, Alastair was beating him in that god-forsaken basement. This is very different. This is not the basement. This is a clean hospital with clean people and calm voices.

He can’t afford this, can’t afford anything. Who will he have to sleep with in exchange for being alive? He laughs and half chokes. He doesn’t even want to be alive. It’s a sick joke, to fight so hard for something so unwanted.

The doorknob moves and someone enters the room, someone with dark hair and bright blue eyes. Maybe Dean can fuck this guy and they’ll let him go and he can find a nice quiet place to kill himself. He’s already got a plan and it’s pretty cheap, too.

He needs a bottle of whiskey, a plastic bag and some duct tape. Once he’s too drunk to get the bag off of his head he’ll pass out and suffocate. Easy peasy.

The man checks Dean’s chart and pulls a pen from his pocket. “Good morning,” he says brightly.

Is it morning?

“Technically good afternoon,” the man corrects.

“How—” Dean croaks and his throat clenches. Alastair stopped speaking to him months ago and Dean eventually stopped speaking back. Most of what he had to say was redundant anyway; “stop hitting me,” “please don’t,” “please stop,” and so on. There was no use wasting his voice. He even stopped screaming. No one could hear him. It only made Alastair laugh, and it hurt his throat.

The man is still waiting for him to speak. His eyebrows are raised like he _wants_ Dean to speak.

He gives it another shot. “How long here?” he asks. It hurts like hell and he’s not even sure it matters. How long was he with Alastair? How long has he been homeless? How long has it been since he’s seen his family? How much longer does he have to stay until he can kill himself?

“A week,” he answers. “We had to put you in a medically induced coma. You’re doing much better now.”

“How much longer?” asks Dean.

“How much longer do you have to stay here?” asks the man.

Dean nods.

“A while. You’re back from the brink of death, but you’re not in the clear just yet.” He jots something down on the chart. “I’m Doctor Castiel Novak, by the way. I’ll be taking care of you.”

“Dean,” he answers, pointing to himself. “And thanks.”

“It’s my job,” says Doctor Novak. “And it’s also my passion.” He furrows his brow. “Taking care of people, I mean.”

Dean doesn’t waste his voice, just gives the doctor a thumbs up. His eyes flutter and he leans back against the pillow.

Doctor Novak is suddenly at his side. “Are you comfortable? I can adjust the bed for you.”

Dean gives him another thumbs up. He feels better than he’s felt in years. He closes his eyes. Beside him, he hears the doctor whispering.

“Please stay with me. Please don’t take this one.”


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel rubs the sleep from his eyes.

“Late night?” asks Gabriel.

“Always,” answers Castiel.

“How’s our boy?”

“Very much alive.”

“I swear I thought he was dead. He looked dead.”

“I thought so, too,” says Castiel.

“Lucky I called you.”

“Why _did_ you call me?”

“Had a gut feeling. I called you before we found him. I thought if he was alive, you’d know what to say to him and stuff.”

“I never know what to say.”

“Yeah you do. You always figure it out.”

Castiel looks at his watch. “I have to do rounds.”

“All right. I’ll see you later.”

Castiel leaves and begins his routine. He took a nap in the lounge earlier. It’s enough to keep him going for the next 24 hours or so. He goes to Dean’s room first.

“Good morning. How ar—” He lunges forward.

Dean is out of bed, and trying to detach himself from the devices keeping him alive.

He’s still so malnourished; Castiel doesn’t even have to fight to get him back into bed. He checks over Dean and makes sure the tubes are in their proper places. He doesn’t know what to say.

Dean won’t meet his eyes.

“Why?” asks Castiel. “What were you trying to do?”

Dean sighs.

“Please, talk to me. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

Dean bites his lip.

“Is there someone else you can talk to? Would you rather talk to one of our nurses?”

Dean shakes his head.

“Ok. Does gender matter? Would a woman be easier to talk to?”

Dean shakes his head again.

“I need to know what’s going on in your head; what you were trying to do. Can you tell me that, please?”

“Can’t afford this,” rumbles Dean. His voice is low and gruff.

“This is a charity hospital,” says Castiel. “You’re at St. Peter’s. No one is going to charge you.”

“Police,” says Dean.

“The police aren’t going to bother you.” He pulls a chair up to the side of the bed. “Are you afraid of staying here?” He offers Dean a pad of paper and pen from his pocket, but Dean declines.

“No,” he answers.

“The man who kidnapped you is in custody. He’s been arrested,” says Castiel. “He can’t hurt you.”

“He didn’t kidnap me,” says Dean. “I stayed with him on purpose.”

Suddenly Castiel wants to reach out and stroke his hair, but he doesn’t. “He kept you chained to a wall,” says Castiel.

“I knew what I was getting into,” says Dean. He finally meets Castiel’s gaze. “I did it on purpose.”

“Why?”

Dean shrugs. “Couldn’t find a job. Don’t have a house. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“You were homeless when Alastair found you, right?”

Dean nods.

“What were the terms of staying with him?”

At that Dean tilts his chin up. “He’d feed me and I’d let him fuck me.”

“But at no point did you agree to be chained to a wall.”

“You got me there.”

Castiel examines Dean. He’s not sure what he expected, but it wasn’t this. His attitude is too casual. He’s too calm. He is on a great deal of pain medication, but still, for someone who has experienced his level of trauma he should be showing some sign of emotion. “How long did Alastair have you?” he asks.

“No idea.”

“How long have you been living on the street?”

“Five years? I’m not sure.”

“Do you have any family?”

At that, Dean pauses. “No,” he says.

That’s something. Maybe he has family he’s hiding. Maybe he’s trying to get back to them. “You know, you can’t leave here until you’re better.”

“Yep,” says Dean.

“And yet you were trying to leave when I walked in.”

Dean blinks at him.

“I don’t even think you’re strong enough to walk yet.”

A frown flickers across his face.

His gut tells him he has to move Dean. He’s not going to be an easy patient. He’s pretty sure he’s right about Dean not being able to walk. He thinks that will keep him from trying anything for now, but he has a sneaking suspicion that Dean plans to leave much sooner than Castiel is willing to let him. “You know, if you have family I could contact them.”

“I don’t have family.” He sets his jaw and looks like he’s almost daring Castiel to contradict him.

Castiel nods. “All right.” He seemed angry at the idea that he couldn’t walk. Castiel decides to start there. “Would you like to try standing again?”

“I can stand.”

“There’s a right and a wrong way to do this,” says Castiel. “Which would you prefer?”

“The wrong way,” grumbles Dean. He glares. “You can’t hold me against my will, you know.”

“I can if I think you’re a danger to yourself.”

“Listen Doctor Asshat,” Dean jabs a finger at him, “I know my rights and I don’t have to stay here if I don’t want to.”

Castiel folds his arms over his chest. “I think you’re a danger to yourself.”

“Fuck you very much.”

“I’m going to recommend moving you to psychiatric. It’s two floors above us.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “Please don’t, I’ll shut up. I can shut up.” He clamps his mouth shut and this time it’s fear that shapes his face.

At that, Castiel’s heart breaks. “Ok,” he says. “But you’re going to have to make a deal with me.”

“Fine.”

“I need you to take your medicine, stay on your fluids, stay in bed until we tell you otherwise, and trust me.”

Dean scans him. “I can do that,” he says.

“I’m a very good doctor and I know what I’m talking about,” says Castiel. “Not to brag, but the majority of my patients live.”

Dean blinks at him then cracks a smile. “All right Doc, I trust you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dean’s become so accustomed to not seeing himself that it comes as a complete shock the first time he looks in a mirror.

He splashes water on his face in the sink and looks up. The face staring back at him is gaunt and ghostly. He rubs his hands over his cheekbones. They didn’t used to protrude like that. There was a time when his ribs weren’t so visible. No wonder his doctor is so obsessive about what he eats and when.

Doctor Novak gave him the all clear to walk around his room just after his latest check-in. He doesn’t have tubes in him anymore. He can eat on his own, go to the bathroom, walk, talk, and move without too much pain.

At night, he dreams he’s still in the basement. Sometimes he’s not sure if he actually escaped. Sometimes he wonders if this new life is the dream.

Part of him thinks it must be a dream because handsome doctors don’t rescue worthless humans like him. Doctor Novak is handsome. He has deep blue eyes and messy dark hair. He’s kind and patient and he tolerates Dean’s humor.

He doesn’t make Dean wait long. Doctor Novak is good about that. He somehow finds time to drop in and at least say hello every few hours. Dean finds himself looking forward to his visits. Dean returns to his bed and waits for the next visit from the doctor.

When Doctor Novak knocks, Dean’s ready. He wishes he were more presentable. He’s weak and it shows. Still, he does his best to work with what he’s got. His mother used to tell him she loved his eyes.

“Come in,” says Dean.

“Hello,” he says. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” answers Dean. “I got up and walked around the room a bit.”

“Good. Does that make you feel better? Being able to walk, I mean.”

Dean nods. The sooner he can walk, the sooner he can run, the sooner he can end his miserable life.

Doctor Novak tilts his head, owl-like. It’s almost like he knows what Dean’s thinking.

“You know,” says Doctor Novak, “I specialize in cases like yours.”

“You specialize in lost causes?”

He frowns. “No. I specialize in sex-trafficking victims.”

“I wasn’t ‘trafficked.’ I was kept with one guy.”

“You were still abused.”

Dean falls silent. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Yeah, he was abused. But at the same time he asked for it. He literally made a deal. “I knew what I was doing,” he mutters.

Doctor Novak sighs. “No, you didn’t.” He sits in the chair beside Dean’s bed. “It’s common to search for some semblance of control in a situation like this. But Dean, and it’s very important you understand this, you had no control.”

“I did at first.”

“How so?”

“I wasn’t in the basement at first. I could have left if I’d wanted to.”

“How long was it before he chained you to that wall?”

Dean falls silent. “I don’t really want to talk about it anymore,” he mumbles.

Doctor Novak places his hand over Dean’s. He doesn’t say anything. He just rubs his thumb over the back of Dean’s hand.

For some reason that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Tears spill over and he suddenly can’t breathe.

Doctor Novak holds his hand. “It’s ok,” he says. “You’re safe here. You don’t have to talk.”

Dean wants to die. He wants to never say another word and die.

“May I ask a question?” asks Doctor Novak.

Dean wipes the tears from his eyes and nods.

“Where will you go after you’re discharged?”

Dean swallows hard and leans against the bed.

“It’s ok,” says Doctor Novak. “We’ll figure something out for you.”

“Want to die,” mutters Dean. He can’t help it.

“What was that?”

He looks over at the doctor, misery written on his face. “Just let me die,” he breathes.

“Oh, Dean, no.” Doctor Novak moves to sit on the edge of the bed.

Dean should pull away. He shouldn’t lean into Doctor Novak and let him hold him while he cries.

“We’ll take care of you,” says Doctor Novak. “Do you need to go in?”

Dean shakes his head. The doctor is asking him if he needs to go in for psychiatric care.

“I think you should go in. Just for a diagnosis.”

Dean shakes his head again. He can’t go back there.

“What if I agree to stay with you the entire time?”

Dean doesn’t answer.

“Dean, I don’t want to scare you, but some of your injuries are beyond what I can heal. I would feel better if you would engage in some talk therapy. Just one session.”

“Can’t.”

“Please,” says Doctor Novak. “I don’t want to force you to go, but if you’re avoiding it because you’re afraid I can fix that.”

Dean can’t go back. He can’t do it. “I don’t need to go in,” he says finally. “I’m ok.” He pushes himself away from the doctor and wipes his eyes. “I’m ok,” he says again. He’s sick of himself. The doctor is probably sick of him too.

Doctor Novak sighs. “All right,” he says. “But let me know if you change your mind.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You’re paying his medical bills?” asks Gabriel.

Castiel nods.

“And you’re going to take him home with you?”

“He can’t stay here forever,” says Castiel. “He’s getting discharged this week and I’d like to keep an eye on him. Where else is he going to go?”

“Can’t you help him get set up in an apartment or something?”

“I don’t want him to live alone. I think he needs help”

“What if he’s a psychopath?”

“Then I’ll call you,” says Castiel.

Gabriel rubs his forehead. “Do you even know what you’re getting into? You can’t just adopt a homeless person.”

“I’m not _adopting_ him. I’m helping him for a little while. Just until he gets back on his feet.”

“What if that never happens and you’re stuck with him?”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“You’re asking for trouble.”

“I am not. I know what I’m doing.”

“Suit yourself, but when this goes to shit, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and finishes his coffee. They part ways at the door to the coffee shop and Castiel heads back to the hospital. Dean’s bound to be wondering what’s going to happen to him. Castiel doesn’t want to make him wait. He opens the door to Dean’s room and green eyes flash up to greet him.

“Hey doc,” says Dean.

“Hello, Dean. There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.”

“Shoot.”

Castiel chews on his lip. “You’re health has significantly improved. We’re very happy with your progress. You’ll be leaving in a few days. I was wondering if you had a place to go?”  
“There’s a shelter I can stay at until I find work and get a place of my own,” says Dean.

Castiel nods. It’s not at all ethical, what he’s planning, but it doesn’t seem ethical to let Dean leave when he clearly needs more help and when Castiel has the means to help him. “That’s great,” he clears his throat. “I’d like to offer something else, though.” He lowers his voice. “You could stay with me,” he says.

“With you?”

“Yes. I have a large home. You’d have your own bedroom and bathroom. Obviously we’ll share the kitchen. But for the most part, you’d be my roommate.”

“I can’t afford to pay rent,” says Dean.

“I know.”

“I guess I don’t understand.”

“You’d live with me, rent free, until you got on your feet.”

Dean bites his lip. “What do you want in return?”

“Nothing,” says Castiel quickly, hoping to dispel any notions of favors Dean may have.

“Then I don’t get it.”

“I’d be helping you.”

“I’m not a charity case.”

“No, of course not. I just—I have the means to help you, and I fully believe you have the ability to help yourself. I’d just be giving you a little boost.” Castiel did not think this through. The more he talks, the more he realizes how beyond normal his offer actually is. Not to mention Dean just escaped from a very similar situation. Of course Castiel would never harm him, but Dean doesn’t know that.

Dean folds his arms over his chest. “That’s nice of you, but I think I can manage on my own. I’ve stayed at shelters before.”

Castiel sighs. Time to be honest. “I don’t trust you not to hurt yourself.”

At that, Dean pales.

“I’m worried you’re suicidal,” says Castiel. “Putting you back on the street would be irresponsible.”

“Then send me up to psych and let them take care of me.” Dean almost spits the words at him.

“You clearly don’t want me to do that,” says Castiel. “Like I said before, I’m not going to force you to go in. Living with me seems like a nice compromise.”

“Again, not a charity case.”

Castiel shakes his head. “No, I know you’re not. But you are a very stubborn patient who needs medical attention and is getting ready to be discharged from the hospital. A nice doctor is offering to help you in exchange for nothing. I think you should accept.” He doesn’t mean to be brisk, but Dean _is_ being stubborn.

“You’re right,” says Dean. “It’s nice of you to offer. But no thanks.”

Castiel huffs. When Dean leaves he knows he’s going to spend the next week searching the streets for him. “I’d rather you just agree to this. If you don’t, I’m just going to worry and I’ll be forced to check the streets for your body.”

“I’m not going to kill myself.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t know how to help you,” says Dean. “I’m not going to kill myself and I’m not going to accept charity. If you don’t drop it, I’m going to report you.”

“Fine,” says Castiel, raising his hands in surrender. “I’ll leave you alone.” He backs out of the room and goes to his office. He sits with his head in his hands. Clearly psychiatric help is a trigger for Dean. But it’s also clear he is at risk. He doesn’t want to force Dean to seek treatment and he has a nagging feeling he’s not done with this patient yet.

If Dean doesn’t want to accept his offer, that’s fine. He’s going to go searching for Dean as soon as he’s released. If he’s not at the shelter, he’ll ask Gabriel for help.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean leaves the hospital and doesn’t say goodbye to Doctor Novak. He doesn’t go to the shelter either. He’s not even sure where it is he just knows it exists. He feels fantastic; better than he’s felt in years. He feels so free. Today is a new day because today, he is going to die. He just needs to figure out how to do it. The hospital gave him sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but he still doesn’t look particularly put together. It would be easy enough to walk into a store and steal some rope or razor blades. Would he rather bleed out or suffocate?

He thinks for a minute. It would be easier to go with his original plan, but with that plan he needs to be very drunk and he can’t afford alcohol. He can’t afford anything.

No, he’s not going down that road. He doesn’t need to be depressed. He’s going to die today. That will be the end of it. No one will miss him or know he’s gone. Sam probably already assumes he’s dead.

He pushes away thoughts of Sam and heads to the nearest drug store. He’ll bleed out. That way he’s guaranteed to die and the only pain will be the first two cuts.

Shoplifting razor blades is too easy. He puts them in his pocket then goes up to the counter with a few random items in his hands.

The cashier rings up the items and when it comes time to pay, Dean says he’s left his wallet in his car. He’ll be back in a minute.

He leaves the store and puts several blocks between it and him. It’s a warm day in North Dakota, warm enough to sleep under the stars comfortably. But Dean won’t see the night. Last night was his last. He spent the evening looking at the sky, watching the sunset, tracing the few constellations he knew. He’s going to die today.

He heads toward the river that runs through town. There used to be a place he loved. It was near the footbridge. It was overgrown and near enough to the water that he could listen to it when he closed his eyes. That’s where he wants to die.

He makes his way toward the spot and finds it mostly unchanged since the last time he was there. He makes sure no one is watching, then makes his way through the undergrowth to a clear patch of grass. They won’t find him here for a while.

He takes a razor blade out of the package. He examines it closely. It’s very sharp. It shouldn’t hurt much.

“I know you’re in there,” calls a familiar voice.

Dean freezes.

“I’ve been following you since you left. Come out right now.”

He shoves the blade back in his pocket and crawls from the thicket.

Doctor Novak is standing with his arms folded over his chest scowling down at Dean. “This is not the shelter,” he says.

“So you’re stalking me now?”

“Yes.”

“Not cool.”

“No, but necessary. Why were you hiding in the bushes?”

“I was checking out the river, not ‘hiding in the bushes.’”

“If you were checking out the river, why didn’t you use the public access trail?” He points down the sidewalk to a very clearly marked trail.

“I like to be alone.”

Doctor Novak shakes his head. “Come on,” he says.

“No.” Today was supposed to be a good day and now the doctor has ruined it.

Doctor Novak tilts his head to one side. “What’s in your pocket?”

Dean realizes the edge of the razor package is hanging out. He shoves it back in quickly.

“You stole something from that drug store, didn’t you?”

“You gonna call the cops on me?”

“No, but I’m very curious as to what it is.”

“It’s gum.”

“It didn’t look like gum.”

Dean rolls his eyes.

Doctor Novak steps in closer to him, blue eyes narrowed. “I will not let you kill yourself,” he whispers. There’s venom in his voice.

“I—”

“You are going to get in my car and come home with me. I don’t care how long you stay but you’re not going to die out here. Not while I’m around to stop you.”

“I am not your responsibility,” says Dean. And he means it. He’s not going to be someone’s charity case.

Doctor Novak grabs him by the hand and practically drags him to the car.

Dean, to his own surprise, lets him.

He shoves Dean into the passenger’s seat and buckles him in.  
“I can do that,” says Dean.

The buckle clicks and Doctor Novak goes over to the driver’s side. He gets in without another word and starts the car.

Dean folds his arms over his chest. He’s not sure why he isn’t putting up more of a fight. Maybe it’s because he knows the doctor has to sleep, and when he does, Dean can escape.

“Show me what you have in your pocket,” says Doctor Novak.

“No.”

Doctor Novak reaches over and begins digging into Dean’s pocket.

“Stop that, watch the road.” Dean manages to shove him off, but not before he’s able to retrieve what he was looking for.

“Razor blades,” says Doctor Novak. His lips form a thin line and he shakes his head. “Well at least you picked something efficient.”

Dean tries and fails to snatch them back.

Doctor Novak throws them into the backseat. He glares at Dean. “If you don’t care about your life, why does it matter that I want to help you? If you’re just going to throw it away, why not throw it to me?”  
“You know, you ruined a perfectly good day, Doc.”

“Castiel,” he says.

“Fine. Castiel.”

“I’m sorry I ruined your suicide,” said Castiel. “But you didn’t leave me with much choice.”

Dean sits in petulant silence. They drive through town and end up in the older area where the rich people live. They pull into the driveway of a particularly well manicured home. Castiel gets out of the car and Dean gets out behind him.

When Castiel isn’t looking, Dean breaks into a run and bolts down the street. He darts down a side street, then another and another. He doesn’t stop running. He hears a car behind him and glances over his shoulder. Of course Castiel found him. Of course he’s not going to get away.

The car pulls up beside him. “Get back her right now,” says Castiel.

Dean stops running.

Castiel stops the car. He gets out looking furious. “It goes against every fiber of my being to interfere with your personal choices. It also goes against every fiber of my being to let you go, knowing you’re going to take your own life. I could lose my job doing this, but if that’s what it takes to keep you alive, so be it.”

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“It’s my goddamn job to care. I’ve devoted my life to caring. This is what I do.” His voice softens. “Please,” he says, “let me help you.”

Dean closes his eyes for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll want to live again. Maybe this will change his mind. Maybe Castiel will save his life again.


	6. Chapter 6

They get back to the house and Castiel shows Dean around. He takes him to the guest bedroom and shows him where he’ll be staying. “Let me know if you need anything,” he says. “I’ll be happy to make a list and get whatever you want.”

“I don’t need anything,” says Dean.

Castiel is already offering more than anyone else has ever offered. The next emotion to hit is knee-buckling guilt. He’ll leave tonight. Castiel can’t save him. He has to save himself.

That night, after Castiel goes to bed, Dean sneaks out of his room. He creeps down the hall and to the front door.

Lights spring to life when he hits the living room. Castiel is waiting for him.

“What do I have to do to get you to stay?”

Dean sighs.

“I’m serious. Tell me. I’ll do anything.”

Dean swallows the lump in his throat. “You can’t save me,” he says. “It won’t mean anything if you save me.” He doesn’t want to admit it, but Castiel has sparked a desire to live. If Dean dies, he doesn’t get to spend more time with the handsome doctor. He doesn’t get to find out what he could make of himself. He doesn’t get to see Sam again. He takes a deep breath. “I need to go in.”

Castiel doesn’t waste a second. He grabs his coat and his keys and ushers Dean to the car. “What made you change your mind?”

“I don’t want you to take care of me.”

“Is that all?”

“You also made me curious.”

“About living?”  
“I guess so.”

“Good. That’s a great start.”

***

Dean’s therapist is named Charlie. She’s a chipper redhead and she’s very easy to talk to. Dean’s first session goes well. Charlie isn’t like his other therapists. She’s nice and she listens.

Dean gets a nice little room to himself. Castiel brought him in and told them the truth, more or less. Dean admitted he was going to attempt suicide. They both left out the fact that Castiel had to chase him down.

“You’ve been through a lot,” says Charlie.

“I guess,” says Dean. Surely there are people who’ve been through more.

“It’s ok for you to feel the way you do, but I want you to get better. This is my number. Call me anytime, day or night.”

“Really?”  
“Really.”

Dean is scheduled to stay in a little room for a week. After seeing Charlie, he goes to see a Doctor Benny Lafitte. He’s a psychiatrist and he’s there to diagnose Dean and give him medicine.

“Have you ever been on any medicine for psychological problems before?” he asks.

“No,” Dean lies. He’s been on plenty; Depakote, Paxil, Wellbutrin, nothing worked. In theory, he’s bipolar. He’s manic and can’t be trusted.

“So,” says Doctor Lafitte, “suicide. That’s a pretty big decision.”

“Yeah,” mutters Dean.

“But you’re here now. That’s good. That tells me you want to fight this thing.” He pulled out a piece of paper. It’s a copy of Charlie’s notes. “Are you ok if I take a look at these?”

“Yes.” He’d already told Charlie it was all right to share them.

“Do you self-medicate?”

“No, can’t afford to.”

“Have you ever self-medicated?”

“Yes. I used to drink like a fish.”

Doctor Lafitte makes notes. He asks Dean more questions. Dean answers. He explains how he hates himself. How guilty he is—how worthless he is. How worthless his entire life is. When he cries, Doctor Lafitte hands him a box of tissues without missing a beat.

“I think you have PTSD,” he says slowly.

“How about bipolar disorder?” asks Dean.

“I don’t think so. Your mood swings don’t match bipolar disorder. You seem to have triggers. You mentioned nightmares and flashbacks. Given your history, I’m not surprised.”

They talk for 90 minutes. Benny prescribes Abilify, Paxil, and Xanax. The first two are going to help his suicidal thoughts and the last one is for panic attacks.

“We’re going to get you well,” says Doctor Lafitte. He sets a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I promise.”

Dean thanks him and a nurse walks him back to his room. He stays there contemplating his life and eventually falls asleep.

The week goes by in a similar fashion as the first day; only he doesn’t see Doctor Lafitte until the end of the week. He checks to make sure the medication is working, then sends him off to see Charlie one more time.

“How do you feel?” she asks.

“Better,” says Dean. And it’s true. He does feel better. He has hope for the first time in a while. He hasn’t seen Castiel all week, but that’s all right. He gave Charlie and Doctor Lafitte permission to share is information with him. Not that it matters. Castiel is probably done with him now that he’s more stable. And there’s no chance he’d feel about Dean the way Dean feels about him.

“What are you thinking?” asks Charlie. “I can see you went somewhere. Where did you go?”

Dean scratches his neck. “Honestly? It’s kind of lame.”

“You’re feelings aren’t ‘lame’ Dean.”

“I was thinking about this guy I like.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“I don’t know if I’m healthy enough to like someone. I mean I don’t want to burden—”

“You’re not a burden. You’re a human and there’s nothing wrong with liking someone.”

“Ok, well, he’s really smart. He’s gorgeous, too, and so caring.”

“What’s his name?”

Dean thinks for a moment. “Can this be just between us?”

“Of course.”

“It’s Cas—Doctor Novak. I just—I don’t know. He’s amazing.”

“I don’t know him very well,” says Charlie. “Why don’t you tell me about him.”

Dean tells her everything he can think of, how Cas would visit him every day, sometimes twice in a day, how Cas wanted to know where he’d live and that Cas wanted to help him. He didn’t get into specifics because he didn’t want to get him in trouble. But he told her everything else.

“Where will you go after this?” she asks.

“There’s a shelter I can go to,” he answers. This time he means it. He has something to work toward. Maybe he won’t be able to get his medication once he leaves, but he’ll remember the feeling it gave him. He’ll have hope again; hope that he won’t fall back into the dark place. He’ll get a job at an auto shop. He’s always been good with his hands and he has experience as a mechanic. He’s going to try this time. He’s not going to give up.


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel is waiting for Dean when he leaves the psychiatric ward. Dean seems surprised to see him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“My shift is over,” he answers, “and I wanted to extend my offer again.”

“Your offer?”

Castiel sighs. “Come with me,” he says.

Surprisingly Dean follows him without arguing.

“I’ve taken a week off,” says Castiel.

“A week?”

“It’s fine. I never take vacations.” He glances at Dean. Not that this will be a vacation. He took time off to take care of Dean, but he doesn’t say that. He leads Dean to his car.

“Ah,” says Dean. “You want me to go home with you.”

“I do.”

“Cas, I’m going to take care of myself. I’m not going to do anything stupid. I feel a lot better.”

“I know, and I’m very happy for you. Where are you going to stay?”

“The shelter,” answers Dean.

“The shelter is crowded and they might turn you away.”

“How do you know?”

Castiel knew because he went there pretending to need a place to stay. He was turned away because the shelter was full. “I told you, you’re not my first homeless patient.”

“Am I the first one you’ve tried to take home like a pet?”

“You’re not a pet. I just want to help you. I want to give you the best chance you can have.”

“I want to pay you,” says Dean.

“You don’t have a job.”

“I’ll get one, then I’ll pay you rent.”

“Fine,” says Castiel. “Rent is $300.”

“Dude, I’ve seen your place. That wouldn’t even cover the utilities.”

“But you agree to stay with me?”

Green eyes flash at him again and for some reason, Castiel’s stomach flutters.

“Yeah,” says Dean. “I’ll stay with you.”

“Good. Get in the car.” He doesn’t mean to come off as bossy, but he’s sure he does. He’s not sure how to be other than direct.

Dean gets into the car. He buckles himself in, Castiel makes sure.

“Thank you for coming with me,” says Castiel.

“Thank you for inviting me,” says Dean.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Where would you like to eat?”  
“Let me cook for you. You’ve got pasta and frozen shrimp. I can do a lot with that.”

“You checked my refrigerator?”

“I did.” He twists in his seat. “Look, since I’m going to live with you and since I don’t have a job, let me do chores for you.”

“I have a cleaning service.”

“So? Call it off for a month or so. I’ll clean and cook for you.”

“And I’ll pay you instead.”

“No. You’re giving me a room and food.”

Castiel sighs because Dean is the hardest case he’s ever had. Trying to help him is like pulling teeth. “Well there are some things we need to set you up with.”

“Like?”

“A resume, a checking account, Medicaid, and we need to get you some clothes.”

Dean huffs.

“You can’t argue with those things and I can help you with all of them.”

“I don’t have any references.”

“You can put down my number.” And probably Gabriel’s number.

“I don’t have much experience.”

“But you have experience with something?”

“Yeah. I’m—I was a mechanic.”

“That’s good. We’ll put that down. What else have you done?”

“That’s about it,” he says. “I’ve been working on cars since I was 15.”

“Great.”

“I don’t want to tell anyone what happened,” says Dean. “But I don’t know how to explain my time out of work.”

“We’ll bump up the dates,” says Castiel. “No one needs to know.”

“Good. I can’t open a checking account until I get my first paycheck.”

“I’ll give you a little bit of money and you can open one tomorrow.”

“Cas. What did I say about being a charity case?”  
“You’re not the first person I’ve helped like this.”

“But I’m the first one you’ve taken home?”

Castiel nods. The last person he tried to help was Balthazar. He got Balthazar on his feet and found him a job and a place to stay. Gabriel found his body not long after that.

“You know I’m not stable, right?”

Castiel glances at him.

“Did they tell you I have PTSD?”

“Yes. Charlie and Benny shared your information with me. Thank you for allowing that.”

“I figured you’d want to know.”

“Do you feel like shopping today, or would you rather do that tomorrow?”

Dean shakes his head. “Today is fine, I guess.”

“We can go tomorrow instead.”

“I don’t want you to buy me stuff.”

“You have no money. I’m going to buy you stuff whether you like it or not.”

“Fine, then today it is.”

Castiel drives them to the mall. It’s the only place he can think of with a diverse array of clothing.

“I don’t need much,” says Dean.

“You need the basics.” Cas doesn’t bother mentioning he’s already bought some essential items and stocked the guest bathroom. He did that before Dean was first discharged from the hospital.

They get out of the car and Castiel leads them into a store.

Dean follows him, but seems reluctant to point out anything he wants. That’s fine. Castiel will ask him about every article of clothing in the entire building if he has to. After an hour of Castiel asking, “what do you think of this?” Dean finally starts picking out his own clothes. They spend another hour making selections. Dean tries to put a few things back, but Castiel refuses. He buys everything Dean might need.

“This is too much,” says Dean.

“This is everything you need. Pajamas, casual clothes, clothes for you job interviews.”

“It’s _hundreds_ of dollars.”

“It’s _necessary._ ” Balthazar had been very enthusiastic about shopping. He didn’t have to fight him every step of the way. “Besides, now that I know your size, I can come out and buy more things for you.”

Dean groans.

Castiel knows he means to sound annoyed, but the sound does something to him. He blinks at Dean and it takes him a moment to remember what he was doing. Checking out. That’s what it was. They’re checking out.

They get back into the car, loaded down with new clothes, and head back to Castiel’s home.

Castiel shows him to his room again and helps him carry his things inside. “Make yourself at home,” he says. “I’ve got all of the streaming apps.”

Dean frowns. “What’s a streaming app?”

“It’s instead of cable. You don’t know what streaming is?”

Dean shrugs.

“How long have you been living on the street? I thought you said it had only been five years.”

“Did I say that? I guess I lost track of time. I’ve been on my own since I was 21. So that’s like nine years?”

“Nine years?” Castiel can’t quite wrap his head around that. “Do you have any idea how long you were with that horrible man?”

“You mean Alastair?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not sure. I think it was about a year.”

“My God. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right. You saved me in the end, remember?”

“Technically my friend Gabriel saved you.”

“Come on Cas, you’ve saved my life twice.”

“I suppose,” says Castiel.

“So what else have I missed in the last nine years?”

“A lot,” says Castiel. He doesn’t know where to start. “Have you used Wikipedia?”

Dean laughs. “Yeah.”

“Maybe we should spend some time on there to catch you up.”

“I know some things,” says Dean. “I’ve read newspapers and stuff.”

“Good. That’s a good start.”

Dean’s stomach rumbles.

“You’re hungry,” exclaims Castiel. It’s been hours and he completely forgot about food. “You mentioned shrimp. I’m sorry. I forgot and got distracted buying clothes.”

“It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”

“I forgot to feed you.”

“I’m not a pet. We established that, didn’t we?”

“We did.”

“I’m a big boy. If I wanted food, I’d say so.”

“Buy you’re hungry now and you didn’t say anything.”

“I want food.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Come on,” he says. “You can show me what to do with the shrimp.”

Dean makes shrimp scampi, or at least something close to shrimp scampi considering the sparse ingredients in Castiel’s kitchen. He makes a mental note to restock so Dean can cook for them. He seems to enjoy it.

Dean grins while he cooks. He laughs when Castiel tries to help. It’s a beautiful sound.

Castiel wants to make him laugh more often.

Dean serves dinner. It’s delicious and Castiel goes out of his way to make sure Dean knows it. Dean’s face flushes when Castiel compliments him.

Castiel wants to make that happen more often too. His eyes widen. Dean’s not paying any attention. He’s busy talking about overcooking shrimp. Castiel realizes what he’s feeling. He’s got a crush. On his patient. He can’t have a crush on his patient. Taking him home is enough of an ethical violation.

“Earth to Cas,” says Dean.

“What?”

“You spaced out. I asked you what you want to do tomorrow.”

“Oh. Checking account. We need to get that set up for you. After that we can come back here and relax.”

“Sounds good to me.” He licks his lips. He licks his full, soft lips.

Castiel takes a sharp breath.

Dean leans back in his chair and stretches. The hem of his sweatshirt pulls up revealing a small band of skin.

Castiel gulps. Maybe he can’t do this. He shakes his head. That’s ridiculous. Of course he can do this. Dean needs help and that’s why Castiel is here. “Let me show you Netflix,” he says.

“Ok, but I want to do dishes first.”

“No, I’ll do them tomorrow.”

“Cas, if I’m going to stay here, I’m going to pull my weight.”

“Then pull your weight tomorrow. Tonight we watch Netflix.”

Dean finally agrees.

Castiel sits on one end of the couch and Dean sits on the other. Castiel tries to ignore how far away he is and how much closer he wants him to be. He runs a hand through his hair. He can’t remember the last time he had a crush. He’s never dated and certainly never slept with anyone. He kissed a boy once, back in high school, but it was part of a play and he’s not sure that counts. His stomach flutters again. He glances at Dean. Dean is beautiful and funny and much smarter than he gives himself credit for. He feels his cheeks grow hot. He hopes Dean doesn’t notice.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean tosses and turns in his sleep. He wakes up in a cold sweat and reminds himself he’s not in the basement. No, now he’s in another rich guy’s home. But Cas is nothing like Alastair. Cas is warm and kind and so giving. He hears a knock at the door.

“Come in,” he calls.

Cas opens the door and stands in the light of the hallway looking slightly confused. “I heard you call out,” he says. “I wanted to check on you.”

“It’s nothing,” says Dean. “Just a dream.”

“There’s a medication for that,” says Cas. “It’s used for veterans who suffer from PTSD. It was originally used to treat high blood pressure but it has a remarkable side effect in lessening nightmares.”

“That sounds awesome,” says Dean.

“I’ll write you a prescription for it.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

He remembers the last time someone wished him good night. It was Sam, the night before John kicked Dean out of the house. He still doesn’t know what drove John to kick him out. Maybe it was Dean’s mouth. He’s never been able to shut it when he damn well knows he should. Maybe it was the fact that the last thing Dean said to him was a scream. Maybe it was because he was screaming, “I’ll give you a reason to hate me. I’m gay how about that?” Maybe it was because John was an alcoholic douchebag who couldn’t control his temper.

Dean always meant to go back for Sam. He never meant to leave his brother alone with their shitty father. But by the time Dean worked up the nerve to go home, they were gone. They could be anywhere now.

Dean throws an arm over his eyes and stays quiet in the darkness. The next time he wakes up, he finds Cas dabbing a cool, wet washcloth to his forehead.

“I was yelling again, wasn’t I?” asks Dean.

“Yes,” answers Cas.

“You’re never going to get any sleep with me around.”

Cas shakes his head. “Hush, Dean.” There’s no humor in his face.

Dean wonders what he must have been yelling to make Cas so serious. He remembers what he was dreaming about. It was a very vivid dream about Alastair. He was back on that cold floor; hands behind his back while Alastair fucked him senseless. He remembers begging for it to stop.

“Sorry,” says Dean.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” says Cas. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed and running the washcloth over Dean’s forehead very gently.

No one has ever touched Dean like this. Maybe it happened a long time ago when he was a child, but it’s not something he remembers. Now the most handsome man in the world is doing it.

“What can I do to help you sleep?” asks Cas.

“What you’re doing is pretty nice,” answers Dean. Maybe that’s too honest.

Cas doesn’t stop though. He finally cracks a smile and dabs at Dean’s cheeks. “Would you like me to sleep on the floor? Would that help?”

“No, how are you going to get any sleep on the floor?”

“I’ve slept through much worse.”

Dean shakes his head. “No,” he says again.

“I can bring you some tea.”

“I’ll go back to sleep eventually.”

Castiel sighs. “I’ll be right back,” he says. He leaves the washcloth on the bedside table. After a few minutes, he returns with a bundle of blankets.

Dean sits up. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to sleep on the floor,” answers Cas.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” says Dean.

“I’m not being ridiculous. I’m very serious. I think you slept better in the hospital because there were other people around. I think this will help.” He folds a comforter in half and lays it out on the floor.

“You don’t need to do this.”

“I know. I want to do this. I’ll sleep better knowing you’re sleeping better.”

“I wish you wouldn’t do this.”

Cas looks up at him from his spot on the floor. “I’m aware of your concern. Now please go back to sleep.”

Dean flops back against the bed.

“Good night,” says Cas.

“Night.” This time, Dean doesn’t wake up until morning.

Cas is snoring lightly on the floor. Dean decides not to wake him. He carefully steps around him and goes downstairs to make breakfast. He makes eggs and toast, because that’s all Cas has left to make. He starts a pot of coffee and goes to retrieve Cas.

He’s still asleep on the floor and Dean wonders how anyone can be that comfortable in that position.

“Cas?” he asks gently.

Cas snorts and jumps. He blinks at Dean. “I’m awake,” he says.

“Breakfast is ready.”

Cas blinks again. “You stayed,” he says.

“I did.”

“Thank you.”

“For staying?”

“Yes.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You mentioned breakfast.”

Dean grins. “I did. Come downstairs. There’s coffee too.”

“Oh thank God.” Cas stretches and gets up from his nest of blankets on the floor. He follows Dean to the kitchen.

Dean didn’t bother setting the table in the dining room. It’s just the two of them and Cas has a perfectly good breakfast nook in the kitchen. Dean pours two cups of coffee and makes plates for both of them.

Apparently Cas is a little slow in the mornings because for once, he doesn’t argue with what Dean is doing. He takes his seat and accepts the food and coffee.

“Thank you for last night,” says Dean. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”

“I didn’t _have_ to do anything. I wanted to do that.” He sips his coffee and hums to himself. “This is fantastic.”

Dean grins. He makes a note that Cas like his coffee with cream and sugar. “I like you like this,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“Compliant,” says Dean, still grinning. He doesn’t mean to flirt, he really doesn’t. He especially doesn’t want it to lead to anything because the thought of sex nauseates him. He wants to take it back. How will Cas react? What will he think of Dean?

Cas doesn’t say anything. He just turns beet red and sips his drink.

For some reason, Dean blushes, too.

“We have to set up your account today,” says Castiel. “We’ll do your resume tomorrow.”

“We can do that today too, if you want.”

“One thing at a time. I’m sure you’d like time to relax. Besides, I have a pool.”

“We’re in North Dakota, why do you have a pool?”

“I wanted one so I had it put in. You’ll appreciate it more in the summer,” says Cas.

Dean’s not sure Cas knows what he just said. In fact, Cas seems totally oblivious as to what he just said. He continues eating breakfast as though he has not just implied that Dean will be staying with him for a while. It’s April. Summer is technically more than a month away. He wonders if that means Cas is planning to keep him. No, he can’t keep him. Dean isn’t an animal. Cas is just doing him a favor. Dean shakes it off.

They go to the bank after breakfast. Dean insists on cleaning up dinner from the night before and breakfast before going out. Cas helps because he says he’s not going to make Dean earn his keep. Cas helps him set up a checking account, then takes them back home. It doesn’t take more than a few hours.

When they arrive back at the house an unfamiliar car is in the driveway.

“Gabriel,” says Cas.

“Your cop friend?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s he doing here?”

“I have no idea.”

He doesn’t know why, but Gabriel makes him nervous. Cops have always made him nervous so when Cas gets out of the car, Dean is a little slow to follow.

Gabriel’s attention goes straight to Dean. “So you went through with it,” he says, talking to Cas but looking at Dean.

“I did.”

Gabriel points a finger at Dean. “If you turn out to be a psychopath or something and you hurt him, mark my words I will hunt you down and skin you alive.”

“Gabriel,” exclaims Cas. “He’s been through a lot of trauma. The last thing he needs is a threat from you.”

“It’s not a threat. It’s a goddamn guarantee.”

“I’m not a psychopath,” says Dean.

Cas steps between them. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“I was in the neighborhood. Thought I’d stop by and see how things were going.”

Dean stands beside Cas because he can fight his own battles and he wants Cas to know that too. Maybe he puffs out his chest a little.

Gabriel eyes him. “So can I come in or is this a private affair?”

“Come in,” says Cas. He leads them inside and the three of them sit down in the living room.

“Does anybody want coffee?” asks Dean. “Or tea?”

“Yeah,” says Gabriel. “I’ll take a coffee.”

“No,” says Cas. “Dean, sit down. You don’t have to serve us. I’ll get coffee.”

“I’ll help you,” says Gabriel, jumping up.

They go to the kitchen and leave Dean alone in the living room, which, he suspects, was Gabriel’s intention all along. He decides not to let himself be left out, and yes, maybe part of him is a little jealous of how comfortable Gabriel is around Cas. He strolls into the kitchen, just catching the tail end of their conversation.

“I don’t care what you think,” says Cas. “Mind your own business.”

“You’re my friend. This is my business.”

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey,” says Dean. “Please, don’t stop talking on my account.”

“Ok,” says Gabriel. “I don’t think this little living arrangement is a good idea. I think it’s stupid.”

“Thank you for that,” says Cas. “But I don’t care what you think. This is what I’m doing.”

“How do you know he’s not taking advantage of you?”

“Because it was my idea to invite him into my home.”

The guilt hits Dean like a punch to the gut. He shouldn’t have let Cas bring him home. He shouldn’t have helped himself to breakfast that morning. He shouldn’t have let Cas give him money to start his checking account. He feels sick. He takes a step backwards.

Cas advances toward him. “Don’t you dare run,” he says.

“He gave me money,” says Dean.

“Cas gave you money?” asks Gabriel.

“Yes,” confirms Dean. “He gave me $500 for my checking account.”

“And you’re going to pay him back, right?”

“Yes,” says Dean quickly. “We’re going to work on my resume tomorrow and—”

Gabriel turns to Cas. “This is a terrible idea.”

“Again, I don’t care what you think. Dean, stay here.”

He’d taken another step back without realizing it.

“If you don’t like what’s happening, then leave,” says Cas. “I really don’t give a damn about your opinion.”

“Fine,” snaps Gabriel. “Let him stay with you. Let him rob you blind for all I care.”

“Get out,” spits Cas. “Get out right now.”

With that, Gabriel leaves, slamming the door behind him.

“I really am going to pay you back,” says Dean. “I’m sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have taken so much of your money.” He feels tears bubbling up in his eyes. He’s fragile, weak.

“Don’t listen to him,” says Cas. He offers Dean a tissue. “He’s just in a foul mood.” He’s very close to Dean, so close Dean could reach out and pull him closer.

Dean closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m going to pay you back.”

“You can’t start your life off in debt.”

“You can’t keep giving me things.”

“I can give you whatever I want. Gabriel can go to hell.”

“I don’t want to come between you and your friend.” He looks at Cas, looks into his deep, blue eyes. He loses himself for a moment.

“He’ll be all right,” says Cas. “I’ll text him right now if that will make you feel better.”

Dean shrugs. “It might.”

Cas sends off a text. “There. I told him I was sorry for shouting, but I really am very happy with my decision.” He sets a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I mean that. I am very happy.”

Something lurks behind Cas’ eyes and Dean can’t quite read it. But then Cas’ thumb is moving against his skin and it’s so sweet and gentle Dean forgets what he was going to say. Everything about Cas is sweet and gentle.

Cas’ phone vibrates. “Gabriel,” he says. “He’s sorry, too. He says he’s just trying to look out for me.”

Dean nods and wipes the last of the tears from his cheek. “So, want to show me the pool?”


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel gets Dean a prescription to stop his nightmares. It should take about a week to work. In the meantime he insists on sleeping on the floor. Dean sleeps better that way. He reminds himself he only cares because Dean is his patient. Not his crush. He can’t fall for a patient. He recites this to himself like a mantra. He cannot develop a crush on his patient.

They’re sitting together in Castiel’s home office. Dean’s chair is close to his. Castiel has to concentrate very hard on the resume he’s supposed to be writing.

“I don’t know what else to include, Cas,” says Dean.

He loves it when Dean calls him Cas. “What about special skills?”

“I don’t have any special skills.”

“Computer skills?”

“Very old computer skills. I only know how to fix a car. That’s it.”

“That can’t be it.”

“I can dumpster dive.”

Castiel shoots him a glace to see if he’s joking. He’s grinning so Castiel takes that as a context clue and assumes he is. But that can’t be true, because of course Dean knows how to dumpster dive. Maybe Dean just likes making him uncomfortable. Not that it should make him uncomfortable, but the idea of someone digging around in the garbage for a meal doesn’t sit right with him.

“I’m kidding,” says Dean. “Don’t put that down.”

“But you’re not kidding.”

“I mean, obviously I’ve been dumpster diving but that’s not a special skill.”

Castiel wants to put his hand on Dean’s. He wants to comfort him. He doesn’t. Considering the situation that seems like a bad idea. Then again he’s been sleeping on Dean’s floor and Dean didn’t object to him wiping his forehead with a washcloth. They were in close proximity then and it was all right.

Dean clears his throat. “What about volunteering? I did volunteer work in high school.”

“That’s great.” Castiel doesn’t touch him.

They work on the resume until it satisfies Castiel’s standards. Maybe some of it is a lie, but no one needs to know. They spend the rest of the day on the computer with Castiel showing Dean some basic skills like how to use the newest Microsoft Office.

That night, Castiel curls up on the floor. He moved an air mattress into the room to make it more comfortable.

“You can’t keep sleeping on the floor.”

“I’m perfectly fine on the floor,” says Castiel.

“What if I don’t have any nightmares tonight?”

“That would be great. In the meantime, I’m sleeping on the floor.”

Dean sighs. “Good night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

Castiel doesn’t sleep. He waits for Dean to start talking. The things he says in his sleep may his hair stand on end. He begs for Alastair to stop, cries out like he’s in pain. Tonight is no different.

“Please,” whispers Dean. “Please stop.”

Maybe it’s the broken way he says the words, but something about it tears Castiel apart. He wants to kill Alastair.

“Help,” breathes Dean.

“I’m here,” says Castiel, standing. He kneels beside the bed. “You’re safe, Dean.” He does this every night. Dean never mentions it so Castiel assumes he doesn’t know. He brushes a lock of hair away from Dean’s forehead. “You’re safe.”

Dean quiets. He rolls over, toward Castiel.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Dean doesn’t respond.

The next morning he wakes up to Dean gently shaking him.

“I made coffee,” says Dean, handing Castiel a cup.

Castiel takes a sip. It’s perfect, as usual. Dean figured out how he liked his coffee after the first day. “Thank you,” he says, “but you don’t have to keep doing this.”

“Might as well be useful,” says Dean.

Castiel doesn’t know how to tell him that just being around is useful.

“I was thinking about going into town today to check out the auto shops.”

“I’ll take you.”

“I can take the bus.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll drive us around after breakfast. I don’t have anything better to do today.”

“Ok, thanks,” says Dean.

“You seem reluctant,” says Castiel. “Do you not want me to go with you?”

“It’s not that. I just, I don’t know.”

Castiel has no idea what comes over him. Dean is kneeling right beside his air mattress. Castiel reaches out and sets a hand on his knee. “Please tell me,” he says.

Dean doesn’t move away. “I, um.” His face turns pink. “I just don’t want you to keep doing things for me.”

“It’s no trouble,” says Castiel. The cogs are slowly turning in his head. He’s always a little too slow in the morning. He takes his hand back.

Dean licks his lips. “Cas,” he breathes.

The sound pierces through to Castiel’s spine. He glances at Dean’s lips. They’re full and wet and perfect. He’s never felt a desire like this.

“Yes?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

Dean shakes his head. “Nevermind. Thank you.” He stands. “Breakfast is getting cold.”

Castiel scoots to the edge of the air mattress.

Dean holds out his hand.

Castiel accepts and Dean pulls him to his feet. They lock eyes. Green eyes search his face. That’s it. Castiel is doomed. He falls so hard for Dean he can feel it in his stomach. He’s in love. He’s in love with the most beautiful man in the world.

Then Dean turns away and walks out of the room. “I made omelets,” he says over his shoulder.

The feeling is overwhelming. He watches Dean walk away, then remembers he’s supposed to follow. His hands are shaking. He has to hold his coffee with two hands to stop from spilling any. Finally, his feet remember to move and he follows Dean downstairs to the kitchen.

After breakfast they head into town. Castiel managed to eat without spilling his heart out all over the table. Everything Dean does is perfect. He wants to know everything about him. Then he realizes he’s missing one crucial piece of information. “I don’t know your last name,” he says.

“Winchester,” answers Dean.

“Do you have any family?”

“No,” he answers quickly.

Castiel remembers him dodging that question in the hospital too. He doesn’t press for more information.

They visit four auto shops and Dean leaves copies of his resume at all of them. They stop for lunch at a little café downtown. It’s not a date, but it certainly feels like one. Castiel is still in a trance from breakfast. He can’t have Dean. It wouldn’t be right. That doesn’t mean he can’t imagine. He’s still buzzing from their interaction earlier.

“You think anybody will call me back?” asks Dean, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Of course they will. You’ve got a strong resume and cover letter, plus you’re very charming.” He doesn’t mean to let that last part slip out. He focuses on his food.

“You think I’m charming, Cas?”

He glances up.

Dean is grinning at him and God, he loves that smile.

Castiel decides to stand by what he said. “Of course I do.” He meets Dean’s eyes, his beautiful green eyes.

Dean flushes pink again. “Uh, thanks.” He takes another bite of his sandwich.

After lunch they go back home. Castiel can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to hold Dean, to comfort him properly, to press against him in the middle of the night when he was scared, to kiss him when he was hurt. He’s never pined for anyone the way he pines for Dean Winchester.

They’re sitting on the couch together, but not nearly as close as Castiel would like. Suddenly thunder roars outside, practically shaking the house.

Dean jumps up and runs to the window. “Oh my God,” he says. “I haven’t seen rain in so long.”

“What?” asks Castiel. Then he remembers Dean was trapped in a basement. His heart breaks.

It’s raining hard outside, but Dean opens the door anyway. He steps out into the storm.

Curious, Castiel follows him. Just when he though Dean couldn’t get more perfect, he does. He stands under the water with his arms out wide, laughing with his head held upwards. His shirt sticks to his skin and outlines his body. Then Dean grabs Castiel’s hand and drags him outside too.

Thunder roars again and lightening strikes. Dean just laughs harder.

Castiel is mesmerized. Dean is watching the storm but Castiel is watching him. They stay out in the rain entirely too long. When they come in they’re both drenched and shivering.

“Go change clothes,” says Castiel.

“Bossy.”

“You’re soaking wet and you’re still recovering. You’re body doesn’t need to fight of the cold as well.”

“Yeah well you’re soaked too.”

“I’m going to change as well.”

Dean clicks his tongue. “Shame. You look good wet.” With that, he turns and heads to his room.

Castiel almost considers not changing.

A few minutes later and they’re both in sweatpants and t-shirts. Castiel brings Dean a bathrobe to wrap up in.

“Thanks,” says Dean. “Do you want some tea?”

“Yes, please.”

Castiel shivers. He replays Dean’s words in his head. _You look good wet._ He doesn’t even know what that’s supposed to mean but it does something to him. All he can think about is how cozy it would be to spend a rainy day curled up next to Dean. He’s helpless.

“I want to show you something,” says Castiel, taking a cup of tea from Dean.

“What?”

“Follow me.” He leads them down the hall to the sunroom. The windows are large and it’s tastefully appointed with various plants. One wall is filled with bookshelves and stuffed with books.

“This is awesome,” says Dean.

The rain makes pleasant little plinking sounds against the windows. This is where they would spend their afternoons, if Castiel were allowed to have that with Dean. But he can’t. It would be wrong. No matter how much he wants it, it can’t happen.

Dean drinks his tea and makes a contented little humming sound.

Maybe he should talk to Gabriel. Maybe he’ll have some sage advice on how to proceed.

“Would you excuse me for a moment?” he asks.

“Sure,” says Dean. “I’ll be here watching the rain.”

Castiel backs out of the room and hurries to find his cell phone. He retrieves it and calls Gabriel.

Mercifully, he answers after the second ring. “What’s up?”

“I have a problem,” whispers Castiel. He’s in his room with the door shut. There’s no need to be quiet. But this is a secret. He can’t bring himself to raise his voice.

“I’ll be right there,” says Gabriel.

“No, I don’t need you to come over. I just need to talk to you.”

“Ok. What’s wrong? Is it Dean?”

“Kind of. It’s mostly me.”

“Out with it, what’s wrong?”

“I think I’ve developed—um—feelings.”

“I can’t hear you, speak up.”

“I said I’ve developed feelings.” He speaks a little louder.

“Feelings? For Dean?”

“Yes.” He does not expect Gabriel to laugh at him, but he does. “Gabriel, please. This isn’t funny. I need to know what to do. How do I get rid of it?”

“I can’t believe you have a crush. All these years I’ve known you and you haven’t liked _anybody_ now you go and get a crush on some rando living in your house.”

“He’s not just a ‘rando’ he’s my patient. I need help. Please stop laughing.”

“I’m sorry, but this is hilarious.”

“I need some advice. We went out into the storm today and Dean said I looked good wet. What does that mean?”

That just makes Gabriel laugh harder.

“Would you stop that?”

“I’m sorry,” he says between breaths. “I’ll stop laughing at you, I swear. It’s just—this is such a Castiel problem. No good deed goes unpunished.”

“I’m aware.”

“He likes you back, dummy.”

“How do you know?”

“He’s flirting with you. Trust me.”

“It was a flirtation?”

“Yeah. Big time.”

“What do I do?”

“Flirt back.”

“I can’t do that. I’m breaking enough rules as it is.”

“So? You’re already breaking rules, you might as well go all in.”

Castiel shakes his head. “I can’t. I need to get over this. How do you get over a crush?”

“First I get under it.”

“What?”

“Nevermind. Flirt back. Tell him something you like about him. Walk around shirtless. Compliment him. You know. The basics.”

“I really don’t think I can do that.”

“I was wondering why you were so determined to take him home. Now I get it.”

“No, it’s not like that.”

“Good luck, Cassie.”

“Gabriel, please.”

“I’ve got to go. I’ve got a meeting. Seriously, good luck.”

“Thanks,” mutters Castiel.

“Talk to you later.”

“Good bye.”


	10. Chapter 10

Dean doesn’t want to die anymore. It’s a remarkable feeling. He can’t remember the last time he felt this way. He’s hopeful and happy for once in his life.

Cas has gone back to work, which leaves Dean alone in the house every day. It’s lonely so he sleeps a lot. When he’s awake, he sits by the house phone and waits for one of the shops to call. They’d left his resume at every auto shop in town. Cas keeps saying someone is bound to hire him. Dean feels like he might be right.

He wonders if he could have been more successful if John hadn’t pulled the rug out from under him all those years ago. Now Cas is the one picking up the pieces and putting Dean back together.

He tries not to dwell on that. He’s going to pay Cas back. He’s been looking at apartments too. He knows he can’t live with Cas forever, no matter how pleasant it might be.

He doesn’t have nightmares anymore. Cas is back to sleeping in his own room and Dean misses him, but he doesn’t say anything. Some nights he dreams about Cas. Those nights are his favorite. Cas doesn’t fuck him in his dreams. Sometimes they just hold hands. They do small, intimate things that make Dean’s heart beat faster. It gives him something to hold onto in the morning after Cas goes to work.

Dean is sitting by the phone again. He gets tired of waiting and decides to follow up with one of the shops. He dials the number for Singer’s Auto.

“Hello?” answers a gruff voice.

“Hi,” says Dean. “My name is Dean Winchester. I left my resume with you last week. I was wondering if you had any open positions.”

“Dean,” says the voice. “I remember you. Yeah we do have an open spot. Can you come down tomorrow afternoon for an interview?”

Dean’s heart skips a beat. “Yes,” he says quickly. “What time?”

“How about one?”

“That’s great. I’ll see you at one tomorrow.”

“See you then.”

They hang up and Dean jumps out of his seat. He waits all day to tell Cas. When he finally gets home late that evening, Dean rushes to him.

“I got an interview,” he says.

“Really? Where?”

“Singer’s Auto.”

“I’ve taken my car there before,” says Cas. “The people are really nice.”

“Well soon you’ll be able to take your car to me,” he says. “Although you could do that anyway.”

“When is the interview?”

“Tomorrow at one.”

“That’s great, I can take you.”

“No, you don’t need to do that. I’ll take the bus.”

“But—”

“You can’t do everything for me. Besides, you have to work.”

Cas gives him a look that he swears is a pout. “Fine, but only because I have to work. We should celebrate, though.” He nods for Dean to follow him. “I have a wine cellar, come pick out a bottle.”

“You have a wine cellar? Jesus, Cas, you’re like a super villain.”

Dean has no idea what to choose, so Cas chooses for him. He doesn’t normally like wine, but Cas picked out something sweet and cherry flavored. He says it’s technically a dessert wine, but Dean doesn’t care. It tastes good and that’s all that matters. Maybe he drinks too much. Maybe Cas drinks too much. His cheeks are rosy and he keeps smiling at Dean.

“I need another bottle,” says Cas.

“Are you sure? You look pretty buzzed.”

“And you’re not?”

“I’m good. I’m happy where I’m at.”

“No,” says Cas. “We need more. Where the hell is my tequila?” He goes to the liquor cabinet in the dining room.

“Isn’t there a saying against drinking wine and hard liquor together?”

“I do not know and I do not care.” He retrieves a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. “Are you in?”

“Hell yeah,” says Dean.

Cas hits the shots hard. He’s three in while Dean is still adjusting to the first one. He has no doubt that he could drink Cas under the table, but he doesn’t want to. He’s afraid of what might happen if he loses control of himself. He’s had plenty of drunken nights that led to one-night stands but he doesn’t want that with Cas.

Cas is swaying on his feet.

“Maybe we should get you to the couch,” says Dean.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” slurs Cas.

Dean laughs. “Ok Sunshine, come here.” He braces Cas against himself and leads him to the couch.

Cas sits with a thud. “Dean,” he says, “I have to tell you something.”

Dean sits beside him. “What’s up?”

“I’m gay.”

“What a coincidence. I’m bi.”

“Oh? That’s interesting.”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” answers Cas. “That is pertinent information.” He takes a swig from the bottle in his hand.

Dean takes the bottle away from him. “I think that’s enough for you,” he says.

“I think I’m drunk.”

“I think you are, too.”

“I’m going to regret this in the morning.”

“Probably,” says Dean. He downs a shot’s worth of tequila. “You look tense.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah. Let me squeeze your shoulders. Turn around.”

Cas does as he’s told.

Dean begins massaging his shoulders. “You know,” he says, “This would be easier with your shirt off.” He must be a little tipsier than he thought if he’s suggesting undressing.

Cas doesn’t argue though, he quickly whips his shirt off over his head.

Suddenly Dean is left staring at smooth, tan skin and well-defined muscles. He forgets what he’s doing and lets his hand run up and down Cas’s back.

Cas shivers against his touch. “Dean,” he says. “I have a confession.”

“Another one?”

“A big one.”

Dean swallows hard and waits.

“I’m—I’m—I don’t know how to say it.”

“Just say it, Cas.”

Cas’s head falls back and he sighs. “I’m a virgin.”

“How is that possible?”

Cas shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“How far have you gone?”

“Someone kissed me during a play back in high school.”

“Jesus Christ. You’ve never even been kissed?”

“I just said I was.”

“That doesn’t count. As gorgeous as you are, I find it hard to believe you’ve never gotten any action.”

“I’ve never wanted any action.”

Dean remembers what he was supposed to be doing and resumes the massage. Cas’s skin is warm and soft. He must be drunk because he says, “I could show you, you know.”

“Show me what?”

“How to kiss.”

Cas’s breath hitches. “Um,” he says. “Ok.”

Dean’s heart is pounding in his chest. Kissing could lead to sex and he’s sure he doesn’t want that. But the liquor has gotten to him and all he can think about is Cas. “Turn around,” he says.

Cas turns around. His eyes are wide and he licks his lips. “Dean, I—”

“Just let it happen, Cas.” He takes Cas’s face in both hands. “Close your eyes.”

Cas closes his eyes.

Dean can feel Cas’s heart beating beneath his fingers where they are splayed down his neck. He leans in, nuzzles against Cas’s cheek, and lets his lips tease Cas’s lips.

Cas is shaking.

“It’s ok,” Dean says. He kisses Cas gently, barely parting his lips.

Cas gasps against his mouth.

Dean takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. He lets his tongue explore just a little, just enough to taste. He pulls away and searches Cas’s eyes to see if he’s gone too far.

Cas is just staring at him. He touches his lips.

“Ok?” asks Dean.

“Amazing,” breathes Cas.

“Want to do it again?”

“Yes please.”

Dean kisses him again. Feeling bold, he presses a hand to Cas’s chest and pushes him back down onto the couch. He leans over him, still kissing him, and lowers his body. He’s hard. He was never hard with Alastair. That’s not true, maybe in the beginning before he was locked in the basement, but he never got off with him.

Testing the waters, he rolls his hips down against Cas’s erection.

Cas immediately responds, bucking against Dean.

Suddenly Dean’s blood runs cold. He doesn’t want sex. He’s not ready. But he doesn’t want to scare Cas either. He’s not a victim. Not anymore. He’s in control. He needs to remember that. Cas is obedient and pliable beneath him. Maybe Dean can have this, just this. Maybe they don’t need to go any further.

Then Cas makes a little noise and says Dean’s name.

Dean kisses him harder, threading his fingers through his hair. He breaks away from the kiss, panting against Cas’s mouth. He rocks his hips.

“Dean,” Cas says again. His hands are running up and down his back.

Dean rocks his hips faster, unable to control himself. He can only think in terms of want.

Cas opens his legs wider. He’s breathing hard and his eyes are shut tight. He rolls his hips upwards. Then he goes very still.

Dean looks down and Cas is looking back at him, a look of horror on his face. Dean gets up immediately. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t—I shouldn’t have—oh my God.” He pushes himself into a sitting position across from Dean.

“It’s ok. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You’re my patient.”

“I’m your roommate.”

“I should never have—I would never—Dean, please believe me.”

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” he says quickly, “No, of course not. I just. I can’t believe I did that.”

“It’s ok to have a little fun every now and then.”

“I can’t ‘have fun’ with you. It’s wrong.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my patient,” he shouts. “It’s not ethical.”

“Screw ethical. It was fun, wasn’t it?”

Cas shakes his head. “I am so sorry. Considering your background—”

“Fuck that. I’m not fragile. You’re not going to break me. You’re gorgeous and I want you, badly. I’m not really ready for sex yet, but we were just messing around. You liked it, didn’t you?”

“Very much. But it can’t happen again.”

“I think you need more tequila.”

“Oh my God, I got you drunk and took advantage of you.”

“Cas, it was my idea.”

He covers his face with his hands. “Oh my God,” he says again.

Dean takes his hands away and holds them in his own.

Cas snatches his hands back. “No,” he says.

“Sorry,” says Dean.

“This can’t happen again.”

“I didn’t say it was going to.”

“I know. I’m just putting that out there. It can’t happen again. It’s bad enough that I brought you home.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” he says, putting a hand on Dean’s knee as if to stop him.

Dean covers Cas’s hand with his. “I think you’re overreacting just a little. I understand if this is something you don’t want, but if you were enjoying yourself, I think we can have this.”

He covers his face again.

Again Dean takes his hands away. This time Cas lets him hold them. “Listen Sunshine, it’s not a big deal. You were curious. I offered. No harm done. I certainly enjoyed it.”

“You did?”

“Hell yeah I did.”

“But you’re drunk.”

“Again, not that drunk. Not now anyway.”

Cas goes silent.

“It’s ok, really. I wouldn’t do anything I was uncomfortable with.”

Cas looks at him and it’s like looking into the eyes of a puppy.

Dean melts. “What do you need? Just tell me.”

“I think I need to go to bed.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want.”

“I need to think about this when I’m sober.”

“Ok.”

With that, Cas leaves the living room and leaves Dean alone to dwell on what just happened between them.


	11. Chapter 11

“What?” asks Gabriel.

“Please don’t make me say it again,” says Castiel.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. He was on top of you right.”

Castiel buries his face in his hands. “Yes.”

“And you guys were making out?”

“Yes.”

“And you stopped him?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s my patient.”

“No he isn’t. You’re putting an arbitrary rule up for no reason. He’s clearly into you and you’ve already admitted you’re into him. Just go for it.”

Castiel uncovers his face. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yeah, it is. You’re making it complicated.”

“I thought you said him living with me was a bad idea. Weren’t you the one who threatened him?”  
“Yeah, but that was before I knew you had a chance to get laid.”

“Please don’t say that. I am not going to sleep with Dean.”

“Maybe not now that you’ve rejected him.”

“I didn’t reject him. I just reminded both of us of our situation.”

“You got scared and backed out.”

“I didn’t get scared.”

Gabriel sighs. “Cassie, do me a favor and take a risk. You already risked taking him home, so I know you’re capable. When you get home tonight just walk up to him and kiss him good and say you’re sorry.”

“I will not.”

“Fine, then you’re probably going to lose him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means he wants to be more than friends and you’ve told him that can’t happen. When he’s able to stand on his own two feet, don’t be surprised if he pulls away from you.”

“I only intended for this to be a temporary thing anyway.”

“Wow. You are stubborn.” He looks at his watch. “I’ve got to get back. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Gabriel leaves their coffee shop without another word.

Castiel stews over his comments all day long. When he gets home, he finds Dean in the kitchen.

“Hey, Cas,” he says. “Just finishing dinner.”

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean makes a plate for Cas and sets it on the table. “I ate earlier he says. If you don’t mind I think I’m going to crash.”

“Wait, how was your interview?”

“It was good. He hired me on the spot. I spent the day learning the shop.”

“Dean, that’s fantastic. Don’t cook dinner tomorrow. We’ll go out and celebrate.”

“Pretty sure doctors don’t celebrate with their patients.”

“Dean, I—”

“Night, Cas.”

“Dean wait, please, I can explain.”

“You explained last night. I’m just a patient. You’re taking care of me. I get it.”

“Yes but we’re friends, too.”

Dean huffs. “Yeah, I get it. Last night was just a drunken mistake.”

“It wasn’t a mistake. I enjoyed it very much, it just can’t happen again.”

“Because you’re taking care of me.”

“Right.”

Dean throws his hands in the air. “Right. Good night, Cas.” He turns and leaves before Castiel can say more.

Castiel doesn’t eat. He dumps the food in the trash and cleans the kitchen. He goes to bed, pausing first at Dean’s room. He remembers what it felt like when Dean kissed him. He knocks on the door.

“Come in,” says Dean.

He turns the knob slowly and enters the room. He stands there awkwardly in the silence.

Dean glances at him. “One of the guys at the shop needs a roommate,” he says. “I can be out of here by tomorrow.”

“I don’t want that,” says Castiel quietly.

“Well, I do. I don’t want you taking care of me anymore.”

“It feels like you’re mad at me.”

“I’m not.”

“I don’t understand.”

Dean looks at him for a minute. “I’m not mad at you, Cas. You’ve been nothing but good to me.”

“But it feels like you’re mad.”

“I’m frustrated.”

“Why?” Castiel knows why but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it. I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“You didn’t push me.”

“Well I’m sorry anyway.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I can’t stay. I owe you so much as it is.”

“You don’t owe me anything. Everything I’ve given, I’ve given freely.”

“I know. But I want to pay you back. You’ve spent I don’t know how much on me and I need to start repaying that.”

“It still feels like you’re mad at me.”

Dean sighs. “I’m not mad at you. I just feel like an idiot. I thought,” he pauses. “I thought you liked me.”

“I do like you,” says Castiel quickly. “I like you very much.”

“No, not like that. I thought you felt something for me.”

Castiel looks down at his feet. “I do,” he says.

“Then why can’t this happen?” asks Dean, standing.

“I told you why.”

“No, give me a better reason. If you’re scared, I get it. I’m scared, too. But we’re in this together.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have a better reason. Maybe he is scared.

Dean crosses the room and tilts Castiel’s head up to meet his gaze. “I’ve got big feelings for you, Cas.”

“I have big feelings for you, too,” he says quietly.

Dean thumbs over his lower lip. “What do you want?”

Castiel is dizzy. It’s like being drunk again only so much better. “I want you,” he breathes.

“You can have me.”

Castiel places his hands on Dean’s chest. “But I don’t want to be another Alastair.”

Dean laughs. “You couldn’t be like Alastair if you tired. I never had to convince him to touch me.”

Castiel shudders. He pulls Dean into his arms and holds him. “I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you.”

“It turned out ok in the end.”

“I don’t want you to move in with the man from the auto shop.”

“I can’t stay with you forever.”

“Yes you can.”

Dean laughs and he hugs Castiel tight. “I can pay $1500 to live here.”

“No, $300.”

“Cas, c’mon I need to feel like I’m contributing. I know $1500 isn’t enough, but it’s all I can afford.”

“It’s too much.”

“It’s what I’m going to pay you.” Dean kisses his cheek.

Castiel forgets what he was going to say.

“I can be very persuasive,” says Dean.

“So I’ve noticed.” Castiel will let him pay whatever he wants. He’s not going to spend Dean’s money. He’ll put it away in a separate account and save it for when Dean needs it.

“So,” says Dean, “can we try making out again or are you going to stop just when we get to the good part?”

“What’s the good part?”

“I can show you, if you’ll let me.”

“Yes, please.”

Dean takes his hand and leads him over to the bed.

“Dean, wait.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just that I have a king bed in my room.”

“Yes,” says Dean. “That’s a better plan.”

They go to Castiel’s room. He’s never had someone else in his room before. He’s glad he keeps it tidy. He doesn’t get a chance to say anything before Dean pushes him down on the bed. Then Dean is straddling his hips and kissing him. It’s a little rough and Castiel loves it. He arches his back and exposes his neck.

As if reading his mind, Dean latches on and sucks. He makes a delicious sound. He rolls his hips down against Castiel’s.

Castiel is already hard. He lets out an embarrassing little whine, but Dean seems to love it because he licks Castiel’s neck, then kisses him again.

Dean moans and rocks his hips. “How far do you want to go?” he asks softly.

“I have no idea,” answers Castiel. He really doesn’t. Dean clearly knows what he’s doing. Castiel feels like he’s just hanging on for the ride.

Dean’s hand snakes between their bodies. He cups Castiel’s erection. “Is this ok?” he asks.

“Yes,” answers Castiel, panting.

“Can I unbutton your pants?”

“Yes.”

Dean undoes the button and unzips his pants. There are just the thin layers of Dean’s pajamas and Castiel’s boxers between them. Dean moves his hands up and begins unbuttoning Castiel’s shirt.

“You’re very good at this,” says Castiel.

“I’ve had a lot of practice.” He rolls his hips again and Castiel almost blacks out. “You’re so beautiful, Sunshine.”

“So are you.”

“Take off your shirt.”

Castiel doesn’t need to be told twice. He wiggles out of his shirt and undershirt and throws them on the floor.

Dean flips them so Castiel is on top. “Now your pants,” he says.

Castiel throws his pants to the floor too.

Dean whips his shirt off and tosses it somewhere, then he flips them again. He’s so much stronger than he used to be. It’s remarkable how quickly he’s healed. “Tell me what you want,” he says.

“I don’t know.”

“What if I wanted you naked?”

“I’d want you naked too.”

Dean laughs. “I can make that happen.” He gets up and stands at the foot of the bed. He slides his pants and boxers down to the floor. He is beautiful.

Castiel is speechless.

Dean blushes. “Um, your turn.”

Castiel quickly stands and steps out of his boxers.

Dean grins and approaches him. He takes Castiel in his arms and kisses him gently. He holds Castiel’s hips and presses into him. “God, you’re perfect.”

Castiel falls back onto the bed and pulls Dean with him. “What do I do?” he asks.

“Open your legs,” answers Dean. He thrusts against him.

Castiel gasps at the friction. “Oh, Dean,” he breathes.

Dean kisses him and hums against his mouth.

Castiel clings to him. His hips gain a mind of their own and rock up against Dean’s cock. He’s going to come. It’s the most intense feeling and he doesn’t want it to end. He digs his fingernails into Dean’s back.

Dean thrusts faster and faster.

“Dean,” he says again, “I’m close.”

“Me too,” says Dean.

Castiel knows he should last longer. He knows Dean is probably making it quick because Castiel can’t last longer.

“Can I touch you?” asks Dean.

“Please.”

Dean reaches between them and takes them both in his hand. He pumps his fist rapidly.

Castiel cries out and comes with Dean’s name on his lips.

Dean doesn’t stop. He keeps pumping.

Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. The sensation is so good it’s almost painful. He writhes beneath Dean.

Then Dean comes. Castiel feels it. He slows his fist, then releases them. He rolls over to the side, breathing heavily.

“My God,” says Castiel.

“Good?” asks Dean.

“Amazing.”

“We should get cleaned up.”

“Do we have to?”

“Yeah, but that part is fun, too. I’ll show you.” He stands and pulls Castiel up too.

Castiel follows him to the bathroom.

Dean takes a washcloth and wets it. Then he kneels and kisses along Castiel’s hip bones. He cleans him carefully, kissing each spot as he goes.

Castiel has to brace himself against the sink. Finally Dean finishes and Castiel is hard again.

Dean looks up at him, grinning ear to ear. “You want to go again.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

Dean takes him in his fist again. It’s different under the bathroom light. He can see everything. Dean is nipping at the skin around his cock. He comes even faster this time. Dean opens his mouth and swallows him. Castiel almost blacks out. His knees buckle and Dean catches him. He eases Castiel onto the floor with him. He kisses him hard and deep.

“I’ve got you,” says Dean.

“What do we do now?”

“We get you back in bed and get some sleep.”

Castiel nods. “That sounds good.”

Dean cleans himself off and takes Castiel back to bed. Once they’re under the covers Castiel wraps himself around Dean. He’s not letting go this time.

“Night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”


	12. Chapter 12

Dean sees Charlie on Wednesdays. He’s smiling like an idiot when he goes to see her. Charlie takes notice.

“You look happy,” she says.

“I am,” he says. “Cas and I are officially dating.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He kind of freaked out about it at first, but I talked him down.”  
“Why did he freak out?”

“He said I was his patient and that it wasn’t ethical. But I told him we’d already crossed that line so why not go a little further?”

“And how did it go?”

“It went great,” says Dean. “We, uh, we made out.”

“Congratulations,” she says. “How do you feel?”

“I feel fantastic.”

“How are you doing emotionally?”

“I’m great. I haven’t had a suicidal thought in weeks.”

“That’s so good,” she says. “I’m so proud of you. I know this hasn’t been easy.”

“The medication has really helped. And talking to you, of course.”

“I’m so happy for you. You really do seem like you’re doing better.”

“I am. It’s a weird feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy, not even with Dad and Sam.” He realizes what he’s said and snaps his mouth shut.

“Is Sam your brother? You’ve never mentioned him before.”

Suddenly he’s crying and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Silent tears roll down his cheeks and he can’t think of anything to say.

Charlie passes him a box of tissues.” It’s ok,” she says. “We don’t have to talk about it. But you’re safe here and anything you say is just between us.”

“He’s my brother,” says Dean quietly. “I haven’t seen him in almost ten years.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He wipes the tears from his face. “Not really, but I probably should.”

“Just tell me the basics, if that’s easier.”

Dean takes a breath. “My little brother was—is my best friend. I love that kid.”

“How much younger is he than you?”

“We’re four years apart. And he’s so smart. Way smarter than me. He wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer when he was little. He can do it, too. I could never pull that shit off.”

Charlie frowned. “Why do you say that?”

“I’m not that smart. It’s not something I feel bad about. It’s just true.”

“Don’t say that about yourself.”

“It’s true. It’s how I feel. Sammy must have gotten it from Mom.”

“Where is Mom?”

“She died giving birth to Sam. I barely remember her, but I know she was smart.” He gives up one wiping the tears. He’s crying freely now. “I loved her so much. Dad just lost his mind after she died. I think he wanted to blame Sam, but he always took it out on me.”

“That’s terrible.”

“I was just glad it wasn’t Sam getting thrown around.” Dean shakes his head. “He’d humiliate me, too. He was big on spankings and he’d make me pull my pants down and climb over his knee. And when I got old enough to fight back, he’d just beat the shit out of me. I should have run away but I was so scared of what he’d do to Sam.”

“Did he ever hurt Sam?”

“I don’t think so. Not while I was around, at least. By the time he kicked me out Sam was bigger than both of us so I think he was ok.”

“He kicked you out?”  
“Yeah. I kind of screamed ‘I’m gay’ at him and that was the last straw.”

“Oh, Dean.”

“It’s ok. Man, I haven’t told anybody this stuff.” He takes two tissues and wipes his eyes. “Dad kicked me out when I was 21. I saw it coming, but I didn’t have a plan. I was so pissed. He’d done it before, I should have known he’d mean it forever one day. I stayed gone for two weeks, longer than I’d been gone before. By the time I’d cooled down enough to go back, they were gone.”

“Where did they go?”  
“I have no idea. Dad liked to move around a lot. He took my cell phone when I left—when he kicked me out. I’m sure Sam didn’t know where I was. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t try to find me.”

“Do you wish he had?”  
Dean shuts his eyes. His voice sticks in his throat. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I guess I though—I don’t know. I thought since I took care of him, he’d take care of me this time. Is that selfish?”

“No,” says Charlie. “He’s your brother. You can expect family to be there for you.”

“I know he was just a kid, but that hurt. I think after that, I tried to make myself disappear.”

“Why?”  
“I guess I though it would be easier to think they couldn’t find me instead of thinking they weren’t looking.” He wipes his eyes again. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can talk about this anymore.”  
“You don’t have to be sorry. This is your time. You get to say or not say whatever you need. Would you like to talk about Cas some more?”

“Yeah,” he answers, grateful for the out. He talks about Cas for the rest of the session. He leaves her office with dry eyes and goes down to the bus stop. He doesn’t visit Cas at work even though he wants to. Cas is afraid to be seen with him; worried someone might ask questions. Dean heads back to work. Bobby is in the shop working on an engine. He frowns when he sees Dean.

“Everything all right?” he asks.

“Yeah, why?”

“You look a little red in the face. Just wanted to check.”

“I’m fine,” says Dean.

Bobby looks around. It’s a slow day and they’re alone in the shop for the moment. “If you need to talk about anything, I’m all ears.”

Dean told Bobby he had therapy on Wednesdays. Bobby was more than happy to accommodate.

“I’ve been talking for the past hour,” says Dean. “I’m happy to get back to work.”

“I know the feeling. Went to marriage counseling once. Saved my marriage, but I hated it anyway.”

“So there’s a Mrs. Singer?”  
“There is,” answers Bobby. “Prettiest gal in the whole damn world. Sharp as a tack, too. Is there a Mrs. Winchester?”  
“Nah,” he answers. He glances at Bobby. He wants to say that there is a Mr. Novak, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know where Bobby stands and he’s afraid to lose his job. They chat for the rest of the afternoon. Dean takes the bus home and debates what to make for dinner.

He settles on spaghetti; it’s classic and easy and Cas loves it. His thoughts drift back to Sam. He’s not mad at him. Maybe he’s still a little hurt, but he doesn’t resent Sam for it. Hell, for all he knows Sam did try to look and Dean was just too hard to find. Isn’t that what he told Charlie? It was easier to believe he was too hard to find.

He sets the pot of water on the stove to bring to a boil.

His mind drifts to images of Sam looking for him. Sam and John looking for him. John crying because he didn’t mean it, he never meant it.

Sam crying because John couldn’t stop himself from hitting someone.

Sam alone looking for Dean.

Sam leaving John and never going to school because he wanted to find Dean.

Dean’s chest gets tight.

Sam being glad Dean’s gone.

Dean’s knees give out and he falls to the floor, clutching his chest. It would feel like a heart attack if Dean hadn’t felt this before. It’s panic and it’s usually over in a few minutes. But he’s having trouble breathing this time. He tries to stand, to get up and get to the phone, but he can’t. He’s just seizing on the floor. He can’t stop picturing John and Sam celebrating his absence, like he was the cancer the family had finally defeated. He knows he’s hyperventilating. He knows he’s going to pass out if he doesn’t stop. He knows it’s just panic, it’s not real.

Suddenly the door opens. Cas calls for him.

“Cas,” he gasps. There’s nothing Cas can do. He’s just got to panic until it stops.

“Dean,” shouts Cas. He runs to his side. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Panicked,” says Dean. “Can’t breathe.”

“Come here, put your arm over my shoulder.” He lifts Dean and takes him to the living room. “Sit down and try to lower your head. I’ll be right back.” He disappears and runs upstairs.

Dean is doubled over.

Cas reappears and holds out his hands. He’s got Xanax and a glass of water.

Just when Dean thought he couldn’t be helped, Cas found a way to help him again.

“Thanks,” he croaks.

Cas rubs his hands over Dean’s back. “It will be over soon, just breathe.”

Dean can’t breathe though, he just keeps gasping. He blacks out. He doesn’t know how long he’s unconscious, but it can’t be for long. When he comes to, he’s laying flat on the couch and Cas is on the floor beside him running his fingers through his hair. Dean opens his eyes. “Sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be sorry. Do you know what caused it?”

Dean blinks slowly. It’s so nice to have Cas’s fingers in his hair. “Yeah,” he says. “I was thinking about my brother.”

“You have a brother?”

“Yeah. Younger.”

“Do we like him or dislike him?”

Dean laughs. “We?”

“Yes, we.”

“We like him. We miss him.”

“Then we can find him. I’m sure he’s on Facebook.”

“Holy shit, I never thought of that.”

“Do you want to look for him?”

Dean’s stomach drops. He could look for Sam.

“I don’t have a Facebook account, but we could create one for you.”

Dean looks up at Cas. He doesn’t know what to say.

Cas must be able to tell because he kisses Dean’s cheek. “Do you want me to get my laptop?”

“Yes,” says Dean. The word is out of his mouth before he has time to think.

Cas practically runs to get his computer. He returns with his laptop open. “Create account,” he mutters. He types furiously for a minute or two, then spins the computer around.

Dean sits up. “What do I do?”

“Just type his name in the search bar.”

Dean slowly types in his brother’s name. He hits search. His hand reflexively reaches for Cas and he’s right there to meet him. Dean breathes. His Sam is not the first one to show up. He can feel Cas watching him.

Dean scrolls down the page. He’s almost relieved not to see him. Then he spots it. A pair of hazel eyes look back at him, unmistakably those of his brother. His hair is longer and jaw is a little stronger, but he’s there. Sam is there on the page staring back at him. He hovers over “add friend” then remembers Sam and John celebrating.

Cas kisses the back of his hand. It’s like he knows everything Dean is thinking.

Dean clicks “add friend” and holds his breath. He leans back against the couch and looks at Cas, slowly exhaling.

Cas is on his knees looking up at him.

“Distract me,” says Dean.

Suddenly Cas is in his lap kissing him and grinding down against him.

Dean moans into his mouth.

Cas tugs at his hair.

Dean gets so hard so fast he almost comes in his pants. “Hold onto me,” he says. Then he stands lifting Cas with him. He pins Cas against the wall, rolling his hips.

Cas throws his head back.

Dean latches onto the nook of his shoulder. He bites down.

Cas cries out and arches his back.

Dean’s sure he leaves a mark. “Down,” he says.

Cas drops from his arms.

Dean gets on his knees and unbuttons his pants. He takes him in his mouth. He sucks hard and fast, deepthroating him. He takes his own cock from his pants and pumps his fist.

The noises Cas makes are obscene. He comes down Dean’s throat but Dean doesn’t stop. He’s not ready to come yet and part of him thinks Cas likes being over-stimulated.

Cas rewards him with more noises, knees shaking.

Dean spills into his own hand. He releases Cas from his mouth with an obnoxious pop. He licks his lips and looks up.

Cas is wrecked. He slides down the wall and into Dean’s arms.

“Thanks Sunshine,” says Dean. “I needed that.”

“Uhuh,” mutters Cas.

Dean laughs.

Cas’s computer dings. He’s got a new notification.


	13. Chapter 13

Castiel and Dean rush to the computer. Dean tucks himself back into his pants and Castiel does the same. Sam Winchester has accepted Dean’s friend request.

Castiel sits next to Dean on the couch. He wraps his arms around his waist.

Sam Winchester sent a message.

_What’s your phone number?_

Castiel hands Dean his phone from his pocket. He gives Dean his number.

Dean types it out.

The phone rings immediately.

Dean answers it. “Sammy?”

The voice on the other end cracks. “Oh my God,” he says. “Dean?”

“Yeah.”

Sam is openly sobbing. “Oh my God,” he says again.

“Where are you?” asks Dean.

“Washington peninsula, where are you?”

“Bismarck.”

“Have you been there this whole time?”

“Yeah.”

“You never left?”

“No.”

“I thought you were dead.”

Dean is crying now.

Castiel kisses his shoulder.

“Not dead, just stubborn.”

“Can you send me a picture?”

Dean looks to Castiel and Castiel nods. He takes the phone from Dean, snaps a picture and messages it to Sam.

“Just sent it,” says Dean.

“Got it.”

Castiel hears rustling on the other end. Sam must be looking at the photo.

“Jesus,” says Sam. “You look thin. Are you ok?”

Castiel squeezes his shoulder.

Dean looks surprised but he is thin. He’s strong, but he hasn’t had time to gain much weight. “I haven’t been eating like I should,” he says.

“But you’re ok?”

“I’m ok. Are you ok?”

“I’m ok. I’m a lawyer.”

“Wow. Congrats. I knew you’d make it.”

“When can I see you?”

“Uh,” he glances at Castiel.

Castiel silently mouths out his answer. “Anytime.”

“I don’t know,” answers Dean.

“Dean, please,” says Sam. “I need to see you.”

“This weekend then.”

“I’ll fly in Friday night. Text me your address when we hang up.”

“I can pick you up from the airport.”

“That’s ok,” says Sam. “I’ll get an Uber.”

Dean looks at Castiel.

“Taxi,” mouths Castiel.

“Ok,” says Dean.

“How have you been?” asks Sam. “Where were you?”

“I’ve been good. I stayed with friends for a while. Then I got my own place.”

Castiel frowns at the lie. He assumes Dean doesn’t want to share the more gruesome details.

“I should have looked for you,” says Sam.

“I was hard to find on purpose,” says Dean. “You should know I’m kind of living with someone.”

“Like a roommate or like a girlfriend?”

“Like a girlfriend,” answers Dean. “But he’s not a girl. He’s my boyfriend. If you don’t want to see me—”

“Are you crazy? Of course I want to see you. I don’t care who you’re living with. I’m just happy you’re alive.”

“How’s Dad?”

“I have no idea. I haven’t talked to him in years.”

“Years?”

“Yeah. I haven’t talked to him since I left for school.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s an asshole and I hate him.”

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” says Dean quietly.   
“For what?”

“For leaving you behind.”

“You didn’t leave me. Dad made you leave. You remember that, right? I was there. I saw it happen.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Yes I do. I should have gone after you.”

“It’s water under the bridge,” says Dean. “We found each other, that’s all that matters.”

“I really thought you were dead,” Sam says again.

“I’m alive and well.”

“I’m so fucking happy. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“Well you’ll see me Friday.”

“I’m booking my flight right now.”

“All right, well I’ll see you Friday.”

“I’ll see you then,” says Sam.

They hang up. Castiel gives Dean a minute to process. He threads his fingers through Dean’s hair, which he has decided is his new favorite thing.

Dean relaxes into him.

Castiel kisses his cheek, then he lays back and pulls Dean down onto his chest. He doesn’t know what Dean’s thinking but he knows he wants to hold him and never let go. “What do you need?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” answers Dean. “He’s going to want answers and I don’t know what I’m going to tell him.”

“You can’t tell him the truth?”

“I don’t want him to feel bad.”

“I understand that, but he’s your brother. I’m sure he wants to know what happened.”

“I don’t know how to tell him.”

Castiel kisses his temple. “I can tell him for you, if you want.”

“No. I need to be the one to do it. I just don’t want to.” Dean sits up. “I was going to make spaghetti for dinner.”

“We’ll order in. You’ve been through a lot today.”

They eat dinner on the couch and Dean is silent for the majority of the time. Castiel knows he must be thinking about his brother.

It makes Castiel think about his own family. How long has it been since he called? Six months? He doesn’t miss them. They’re deeply religious and deeply opposed to Castiel’s sexuality. His mother and father sent him to conversion camp when he was younger. He suspects that has something to do with his historical lack of intimacy, though he hasn’t shared that with Dean. He’s been so wrapped up in Dean’s problems he hasn’t stopped to think about his own.

He glances at Dean. He’s sitting quietly eating a slice of pizza.

Castiel decides to push their boundaries. He slides from the couch and quickly gets between Dean’s knees.

“What are you doing?” asks Dean.

“I want to do what you did for me earlier.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know. I want to.”

“Cas, you don’t want to do that.”

“You wanted to, didn’t you?”  
“That’s different.”

“Why?” Castiel frowns. “Wait. You didn’t do that as some kind of—you aren’t trying to pay me back with sex are you?”

“No,” says Dean quickly. “I like you and I like doing stuff for you.”

Castiel stands. “Dean. Are you trying to pay me back with sex?”

Dean stands. “No, I swear.”

“Then why did you say that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Dean, please think about this. I need to know right now.”

Dean searches his eyes. “I—” he begins.

“Jesus,” breathes Castiel.

“No,” says Dean. “The answer is no, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just taking the lead because you’re new to all this.”

“Then why won’t you let me reciprocate?”

Dean’s eyes start to water. “I don’t know.”

“It’s ok. Maybe we just need to set some ground rules. How about we take sex off of the table for a while.”

“No.”

“Yes. Just until we’re both sure it’s what we want.”

“You want it don’t you?”

“Not like this. If we’re going to be in a relationship I want it to be a healthy one, don’t you?”

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“Then no sex.”

Dean groans. “But that’s what I’m the best at.”

“Just for a little while.” He cups Dean’s face in his hands.

“What else are you going to outlaw?”

“Maybe cooking dinner.”

“I like to cook.”

“You don’t just do it for me?”

“No, I really enjoy it. I enjoy sex, too.”

“Yes, but I think you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.”

“Can I still kiss you?”  
Castiel thinks for a moment. “Yes,” he answers.

“Can we still sleep in the same bed?”

“Yes.”

“Cas, this is stupid. We weren’t doing all that much to begin with. Now we can’t have sex because I refused a blowjob?”

“You made it sound like an unpleasant task I had to do.”  
“Well, not everybody likes giving blowjobs.”

“Do you like it?”

“Uh,” answers Dean. “I’ve never thought about it.”

“Yes you have. Do you like it?”

“I like doing it for you.” Dean pulls him into his arms. “I like the sounds you make.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Did Alastair make you—do that?”

Dean makes a strange face. He swallows hard. “Yeah,” he answers.

“Then we’re not going to do that.”

“You can’t outlaw everything just because Alastair did it. I mean, that would cover a lot of stuff.”

Castiel winces. “What else did he do to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“All right. You don’t have to.”

“I get that you want to know, it’s just, it was a lot of stuff.”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

Dean nods. “Ok,” he says.

Castiel kisses him.

Dean closes his eyes and hums, a deep rumbling sound. Abstaining from sex will be more difficult than Castiel anticipated.

He decides to distract them. “Are you excited to see your brother?”

“I think so.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Yeah.”

“It will be all right. I’ll be with you. Unless you want to do this on your own.”

“No, I want you there.”

“Then I’ll be there.”

“What about your family? I haven’t heard you talk about them.”

“I haven’t talked with them in a while.”

“Don’t like them?”

“Not really. They are very religious. We don’t get along.”

“How many siblings do you have?”

“One older brother, Michael. My mother and father are endlessly proud of his accomplishment.”

“What about your accomplishments?”

“They don’t count because I’m gay.”

“Aw, Cas, I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. I don’t care what they think.” They’re still standing wrapped in each other’s arms. “Do you want to help me put dinner away, then we can go snuggle in bed?” asks Castiel.

“Did you just ask me if I want to snuggle?”

“Yes I did.”

Dean laughs. “Yeah, I do.”

“Good, me too.”

They clean up dinner and get ready for bed. Castiel loves these nights. He loves holding Dean and listening to him breathe. Sometimes he stays awake just to watch Dean sleep.

He curls around Dean, one leg thrown over Dean’s, and tucks his head beneath Dean’s chin. It’s warm and perfect.

He spends the next day thinking about Dean. He’s distracted when Charlie comes to see him.

“Just wanted to give you an update on your patient,” she says, winking.

Castiel feels his face flush. He knows she knows about their relationship. “He hasn’t told you not to tell me?”

“Not yet,” she answers. “He’s doing really, really well. That’s all I’m going to say about it.”

“I’m glad,” says Castiel. “His brother is coming into town tomorrow.”

“Oh really? That’s great news.”

“He’s told you about him?”

“Yes,” she answers. “Not much, but I know the basics. I’m glad he’s talking to you, too.”

Castiel doesn’t tell her about the panic attack. She doesn’t give him any more information. That’s probably for the best and they both know it.

Friday arrives quickly. Castiel comes home from work and Dean is nowhere to be found.

“Dean?” he calls.

“Up here,” he answers.

Castiel follows the voice upstairs to Dean’s room. He’s digging through his closet and dresser.

“What are you doing?” asks Castiel.

“Trying to find something to wear,” answers Dean.

“Sam isn’t going to care what you’re wearing.”

“He said I look thin. I’m trying not to look thin.”

Castiel puts his arms around Dean’s waist, another one of his favorite things. “You are thin,” he says. “But you’re strong and you’re gaining weight.”

Dean sighs. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Yes you can. Aren’t you excited to see him?”

“Yeah but I still don’t know what I’m going to say.”

He kisses Dean’s cheek. “Just take it slow. It will be all right. He’s not going to judge you.”

Dean settles on a t-shirt and jeans.

Castiel helps him cook dinner. They make enough for Sam, too. He’ll probably be hungry after the flight. They sit and wait for the doorbell to ring.


	14. Chapter 14

The doorbell rings and Dean runs to get it. He stops with his hand on the knob. He takes a breath. He opens the door. “Sammy,” he says.

“Dean,” says Sam. Then he rushes forward and crushes Dean in a bear hug. He pulls back and holds Dean’s face in his hands. “You’re so thin,” he says. “Why are you so thin?”

“I told you,” answers Dean. “I haven’t been eating like I should.”

“It’s good to see you,” he says. He clears his throat and takes a step back, as if suddenly remembering himself.

“It’s good to see you too,” says Dean, and dammit, he’s crying again.

But Sam’s crying, too. He pulls Dean into another hug. “I missed you so much,” he says quietly.

“I missed you, too.” Behind him, he hears Cas shuffle.

Sam takes notice. “Is that your boyfriend?” he asks.

Dean breaks from the hug and turns around. He holds his hand out to Cas and Cas takes it. Dean pulls him forward. “His name is Castiel,” says Dean. He’s vaguely aware of the pride in his voice.

“Pleased to meet you,” says Cas.

Sam shakes his hand. “Likewise.”

“Come in,” says Cas. He steps back and ushers Sam into the house.

Sam is carrying a suitcase with him. “I hope you don’t mind,” he says, nodding to the suitcase. “I didn’t have time to drop it off at the hotel.”

“Surely you’re going to stay here,” says Cas.

“Yeah,” says Dean. “Stay with us.”

“I don’t want to be in the way,” says Sam.

“Not at all,” says Cas. “I sort of expected you would stay with us.”

“This is a really nice place,” says Sam.

“Thank you,” says Cas.

“How long have you guys lived here?”

Dean glances at Cas.

“Five years,” he answers.

Sam looks between them. “What aren’t you telling me?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” asks Dean.

“I mean you’re thin and you won’t tell me why, so you must be sick. Castiel says you’ve been together for five years, so he clearly knows what’s going on. I want to be in the loop. I know I haven’t been there for you but I’m your brother. I want to know.”

Dean looks to Cas again.

Cas looks back at him.

“We’ve only been together for little while,” says Dean. “We’ve known each other for about two months.”

“Ok,” says Sam. “What else?”

“It’s complicated,” says Dean.

“Then just tell me the highlights.”

“Ok, but you have to promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Ok,” says Sam slowly.

“I lived on the street for a long time.”

“Oh my God,” says Sam. “I knew it.”

“Then I kind of lived with this guy for a year. He was kind of abusive.”

“Kind of?” spits Cas.

“All right, he was abusive. He locked me in the basement and kept me chained to a wall. That’s why I’m thin. He didn’t feed me very much. But Cas and his buddy Gabriel found me and rescued me. Cas is a doctor and a damn good one. He saved my life.” Dean skips the suicide part because he thinks Sam’s heard enough. Judging by the look of horror on Sam’s face, he’s heard too much.

“He kept you chained to a wall?” breathes Sam. “Dean, I, I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m ok now,” he says.

“But you were chained to a wall.”

“It’s over now. I’m ok. What about you? What’s been going on with you?”

“I went to law school, Dean. I wasn’t chained to a wall. God, I can’t believe you’re alive.”

“We thought he was dead at first,” says Cas.

Dean elbows him. “The point is I’m fine now.”

“I can’t believe how much you’ve been through,” says Sam. “I’m so sorry. I should have looked for you.”

“You were just a kid. You couldn’t do anything about it.”

“I could have convinced Dad to let you stay. I tried to talk him into looking for you. He just said you were an adult and you could handle yourself. I should have gone after you.” Sam’s got tears in his eyes again.

“It’s ok,” says Dean. “There’s nothing you could have done. And it doesn’t matter. We’re together now.”

“You were chained to a wall. Where is the bastard that did that to you?”

“In jail,” answers Cas. “Awaiting trial.”

“Are you going to testify against him?” asks Sam.

Dean’s blood runs cold. He’s never considered having to see Alastair again. “I don’t want to,” he says.

“I’ll represent you,” says Sam. “I’ll destroy him. I’ll make sure that son of a bitch never sees the light of day again.”

“I don’t think I can do that,” says Dean. “I don’t want to see him again.”

“You don’t have to,” says Sam. “I’m just offering if you want to.”

Cas takes his hand and runs his thumb over the back of it.

Dean takes a breath.

Sam must take notice because he apologizes again.

Dean tells him to stop apologizing and invites him to sit down. “Are you hungry?” asks Dean. “We made spaghetti and we saved some for you.”

“Thanks,” says Sam. “I could eat.”

They sit at the dinning room table and Dean fixes Sam a plate.

Sam eats with a smile on his face. “I haven’t had your spaghetti in so long,” he says. “It tastes even better than I remembered.”

“If you make a list, I’ll cook anything you want while you’re here,” says Dean.

“You don’t have to do that,” says Sam.

“I want to.”

“Then burgers and ribs are definitely on the menu.”

“I can absolutely do that.”

They stay up talking for most of the night. It’s almost morning by the time they turn in. Dean goes with Cas to sleep in their room. He feels a little awkward doing that with Sam around, but Sam doesn’t say anything about it.

He curls around Cas and whispers “Thank you” in his ear.

“For what?” asks Cas.

“For sticking with me.”

“I’m obviously going to stick with you,” says Cas.

“Yeah, but we’ve been through some shit in a very short amount of time and you’ve been like a rock through it all.”

“I will always be a rock,” says Cas.

Dean kisses his neck. “I’ll be your rock, too.”

Sam and Dean spend the weekend catching up. Cas gives them plenty of space, finding reasons to step out and leave them alone. During the day, Dean spends time with Sam. At night, he curls up with Cas. Sam is there for a week.

On Monday, Gabriel shows up.

“I need to talk to Dean,” he says.

“What’s up?” asks Dean.

He glances at Sam.

“It’s ok,” says Dean. “Sam’s my brother. You can say whatever it is in front of him.”

“Well, uh, it’s about Alastair. He took a plea deal.”

“What does that mean?”

“He traded snitch testimony for 10 years probation and a $50,000 fine.”

“I don’t understand,” says Dean. “Probation? I thought he was in prison.”

“He had information about another crime and we made a deal. I was against it, but I thought you should know.”

Dean looks at Cas.

“So he’s free?” asks Cas.

“He’s on probation,” says Gabriel, “but he isn’t in prison.”

“That’s bullshit,” says Sam, jumping up.

“I know,” says Gabriel. “I agree. But that’s what happened.”

“So he’s just going to walk?” asks Sam. “After everything he did, that’s it? Probation?”

“I’m sorry,” says Gabriel.

“You’d better be sorry,” says Sam.

“It’s not his fault,” says Dean.   
“I don’t care,” says Sam. “This is bullshit.”

Cas moves over to Dean and takes his hand.

Dean is starting to get dizzy. Alastair is out.

“What will stop him from looking for Dean?” asks Cas.

“Hopefully the threat of 25 to life without possibility of parole will be enough,” says Gabriel.

“What if it isn’t?”

“I don’t think he’s going to look for Dean,” says Gabriel. “We’re going to watch him very closely and—”

“Great,” snaps Sam.

“He’s not going to come after me,” says Dean quietly. “It’s not like he kidnapped me. I got myself into trouble.”

“Don’t say that,” says Sam. “You didn’t know what he was going to do.”

“I knew he wasn’t a great person,” says Dean. “I knew he wanted sex in exchange. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” says Gabriel. “I have to get back to my shift, but I thought you would want to know what happened.”

“Thanks,” says Dean.

“No problem,” says Gabriel. “I’m sorry I don’t have better news.” He leaves and Sam and Cas turn to Dean.

“I’m ok,” he says.   
“Are you sure?” asks Cas.

“He may have gotten out of prison,” says Sam, “but we can still get him in civil court.”

“I don’t want to do that,” says Dean.

“You don’t have to,” says Cas.

“Why not?” asks Sam.

“They’ll ask me questions,” says Dean. “I can’t—I don’t think I can do that.”

“He doesn’t want to relive it what happened,” says Cas.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t do it.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” says Sam. “I just want you to have what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want,” says Dean. He can feel his heart speeding up. “I mean I’m not even sure what we’d get. I knew what I was getting into.”

“Stop saying that,” says Sam. “You had no idea what he would do to you.”

Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t know why. He’s not objecting.

Cas kisses his cheek. “It’s not your fault,” he says.

Dean looks between the two of them. “I think it was my fault,” he says quietly.

Cas takes his face in his hands and Sam stands up quickly.

“It wasn’t your fault,” says Cas.

“You can’t think that,” says Sam.

Dean feels a tear roll down his cheek. “It was,” he whispers. “I knew why he wanted me. I knew the risk.”

Sam stands behind Cas. He shakes his head.

Cas pulls him into a hug.

“I knew,” says Dean. “I knew.”

Sam puts a hand on his shoulder.

It’s what he told himself every day in that basement. It was his mantra. He knew what he was getting into. He knew Alastair wanted to fuck him. That was the deal. He traded being his fucktoy for food and a place to stay. It was a good deal at first, but then Alastair got violent and sex became more and more about humiliating Dean. After a month, Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He’d tried to leave, but Alastair drugged his food. Dean woke up in the basement chained to a wall. Alastair fucked him more often and fed him less.

“I knew,” he says again. The same way he knew what he was getting into when he moved in with Cas. If Cas had chained him to a wall, it would be because he had it coming. He would have willingly walked into another trap. Is it even a trap if he goes in on his own?

“Alastair is a bad man,” says Sam. “He deserves so much worse than he got.”

“I don’t deserve this,” says Dean. He didn’t deserve the soft ways they were embracing him. He didn’t deserve their understanding. He’d tricked them into thinking he needed help. He’d tricked Cas into paying for him and taking care of him. He pushed himself away from Cas. He felt a familiar pain in his chest.

“Try to calm him down,” says Cas. He runs upstairs.

Sam holds Dean by the shoulders. “Look at me,” he says. “This was not your fault. What he did to you was evil.”

“I knew he just wanted to fuck me. I knew anybody willing to make that trade was going to be an asshole. I could have left sooner.”

Cas returns. “Xanax,” he says.

Dean doesn’t need pills right now he needs them to understand.

“Please take this,” says Cas.

Dean shakes his head.

_Slut._

_Whore._

_Trash._

_Slut._

_Whore._

_Trash._

He can’t control his breathing. He’s going to pass out again.

_You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want this._

“Dean,” says Cas. “Take this. You’re breathing too quickly. If you keep doing that, you’re going to hyperventilate. We can talk about this, but I need you to take the pill first.” Cas doesn’t wait for him to accept it; he gently shoves the pill into Dean’s mouth.

Dean swallows. He doesn’t know why he’s listening to Cas.

“Breathe slowly,” says Sam.

Dean looks at him. His little brother, Sam’s seeing the worst of him. He takes a deep breath. “I knew what would happen.”

“He kept you as a prisoner,” says Cas.

“You couldn’t leave. You didn’t know he’d force you to stay,” says Sam.

“But I made a deal,” says Dean.

“Sit down,” says Cas, guiding him to the couch. “We need you to focus on your breathing.”

They sit on either side of him.

Cas takes his hand into his own.

Cas is right. Dean’s having a panic attack, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong. It doesn’t make him any less of a whore. He takes another deep breath. They need to know the truth. “I’ve tricked you.”

“No,” says Cas. “Maybe he tried to brainwash you into thinking that, but it’s not true.”

Dean closes his eyes. They don’t understand. He takes another breath. He has to calm down first, then they’ll listen. He’ll make them understand.


	15. Chapter 15

Castiel kisses the back of Dean’s hand. He doesn’t know how to convince Dean he’s wrong. He doesn’t know what to say. He sits in silence while Dean tries to calm down. Sam, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what to say.

“Dean, listen to me,” he says. “I’m a lawyer and Cas is a doctor. He agrees that you were abused and I’m more than willing to take your case. We are experts. We wouldn’t offer to help you if you what you’re saying is true.”

“Right,” says Castiel. “And remember I’ve seen cases like yours before. I know what you’ve been through, and I know how it happened.”

Dean nods slowly.

“Did you want to be there?” asks Sam.

“I did at first.”

“But he made you stay.”

Dean nods and wipes his eyes.

“He imprisoned you,” says Sam. “It was illegal and it was wrong. I know that for a fact.”

“I was there the day Gabriel found you,” says Castiel. “I saw what he’d done to you. He abused you.” He remembers Dean in the beginning. He remembers how weak he was. How easy to overpower him it was. He thinks about the way Dean screams in his sleep. Castiel rubs his hand over Dean’s back. “How many times did you tell him to stop?”

“I don’t know,” answers Dean. “I asked him every day.”

“You ask him every night in your sleep,” says Castiel.

Dean looks at him.

“It wasn’t your fault with Dad either,” says Sam. “You forget that I saw that happen. I know it was his fault. He moved so you couldn’t find us again. And I’m so sorry because I should have gone with you. I should have looked for you.”

Dean turns to Sam. “Don’t talk like that. You were young. You didn’t know. Besides, then we’d both have ended up homeless and what good would that do us?”

“See, you’re real quick to come to my defense,” says Sam, “but not so quick to come to your own.”

Dean puts his head in his hands.

“It wasn’t your fault,” says Sam. “None of it was.”

“That’s right,” says Castiel. “People hurt you and it was beyond your control.”

“But I knew,” says Dean.   
“He still abused you,” says Castiel. “He still starved you. He still tortured you.”

“He hurt you,” says Sam. “Say that, say he hurt you.”

“I don’t want to say it,” says Dean.   
“Say it. You need to hear it.”

Dean scrubs his hands over his face.

“I agree,” says Castiel. “You need to hear yourself say it.”

“He,” says Dean slowly, “hurt me.”

“Now say it wasn’t your fault,” says Sam.

“It wasn’t my fault,” says Dean quietly. “But—”

“No buts,” says Sam. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“Good.” Dean sits up with his back against the couch. “I feel like I’m just manipulating you guys.”

“You’re not,” says Castiel. “I saw what he did to you. You would have died.”

“Trust us,” says Sam. “I was there with Dad, Cas was there with Alastair. We know what happened, it wasn’t your fault, none of it.”

“Ok,” says Dean.

They sit with him until Castiel is sure he has calmed down. Sam goes out to get dinner. While he’s gone Castiel pulls Dean against his chest and strokes his shoulders with his fingertips.

“Dean,” he says, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Dean laughs against his chest. “I think I’m in love with you, too.”

“No, I mean it.”

“I mean it, too. I love you.”

Castiel looks down and Dean looks up. Castiel kisses him.

“I think the appropriate way to celebrate saying ‘I love you’ is with sex.”

“We’re not having sex,” says Castiel.

“You’re sticking to that?”  
“Yes. I think it’s healthy to abstain for a while.”

“Until I’m fixed?”

“You’re not broken.”

“I feel broken.”

“Your past isn’t the only reason I want us to not have sex yet.”

“If you’re saying someone hurt you, give me their name and a shotgun and I’ll take care of it.”

“No. My parents sent me to a conversion camp when I was young. I used to be more, um, flamboyant.”

Dean looks up at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean there was a time everyone thought my mother had a daughter because I refused to leave the house in anything but a Cinderella costume.”

Dean sits up. He looks at Castiel. “What did they do to you?”

“They beat me while I wore that dress. They beat me until I bled, then they sent me away to this ‘camp’ for a week. I don’t remember everything they told us about sex, but I remember walking away and vomiting.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me this sooner? I wouldn’t have gotten all handsy. I’m so sorry.”

“No, I enjoyed everything we did.”

“They beat you while you were wearing your costume? Cas, I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s all right,” says Castiel. “I haven’t thought about it much until recently.”

“That’s monstrous,” says Dean. “They are monsters.”

“I suppose. They didn’t know—”

“No, don’t defend them. You just spend the good part of an hour talking me down. I’m not going to let you defend them or blame yourself.”

“That’s fair.”

“What did they do to you at camp? Can you talk about it?”

Castiel suddenly feels very cold, like he’s naked and exposed. “Um,” he says. “Well I remember watching gay porn at the same time as a video of a man dying over and over again.”

“How old were you?”

“I think I was six.”   
“I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It’s all right. I told my doctor some of what happened and she reported them. I went to live with my grandmother until I was 18. Though she was also deeply religious so I pretended not to be gay.”

“When did you come out?”

“I suppose not until now. With you. Logically I know what happened was wrong, but I think it may have kept me from sexual activity for the majority of my life.”

Dean takes his hands. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s all right.”  
“It’s not all right. Cas, they beat you.”

“Didn’t your father beat you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know, that feels different. He didn’t know I was gay until I told him.”

“It’s not different. It doesn’t matter why they beat us, it just matters that they did and that we survived.” He feels a tear fall from his eyes. He didn’t realize he was crying. He didn’t mean to do it.

Dean doesn’t seem to mind. He wipes Castiel’s tears away with his thumb, then kisses him. “No one is ever going to hurt you again,” he says.

“That goes for you, too,” says Castiel.

Dean pulls him into his lap sideways.

Castiel rests his head on Dean’s shoulder and Dean threads his fingers through Castiel’s hair.

“I love you,” says Dean.

“I love you, too.”

They stay like that until Sam comes back with dinner. That night Dean is curled around Castiel when he brings up his past again.

“Is there anything about our relationship that freaks you out?” asks Dean.

“Not at all, why?”

“I just want to make sure. I want to know if you have any hangups.”

“I suppose sex is a hangup.”

“Well, when you’re ready I think I can make it something you enjoy.”

“I’m sure you can. You’ve been very good at everything so far.”

“Let me know if I do anything that triggers you I want to know.”

“You don’t trigger me.”

“Not yet, I haven’t. But I might in the future.”

“I’m fine, I assure you.”

“I know you’re fine, I’m just putting it out there. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. I don’t like thinking that you’d suffer in silence.”

“All right, then I’ll tell you.”

“Do you know if you’re a top or bottom?”

“A what?”

“Do you like to be on top or on the bottom during sex?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.”

Dean kisses his shoulder. “I can help you figure it out, when you’re ready.”

“I’ll be ready as soon as I’m sure you’re not trying to pay me back.”

Dean laughs. “We’re a couple of fuck ups.”

“I prefer to think of us as fighters.”

“I like that better.”


	16. Chapter 16

Sam leaves on Friday. Dean already misses him.

Castiel comes home with a gift on Saturday.

“What’s this?” asks Dean.

“Just open it,” says Cas.

Dean unwraps the package. “It’s a phone,” he says. “Cas, how much did you spend on this?”

“You need one. It’s an iphone and I added you to my plan so you don’t have to worry about paying for it.”

“This is too much.”

“No it’s not. It’s so you can keep in touch with Sam and so I can text you when I have time at work. I already gave Sam the new number and I’ve programed you into my phone as well.”

“I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you,” says Dean.

“It’s a gift, you don’t need to repay me.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Turn it on. I’m sure you’ve already got a message.”

“Did you text me?”  
“No, but I think Sam did.”

“How the hell do you turn this thing on?”

Cas laughs. “Let me.”

They spend the rest of the evening working on the phone, with Cas teaching him how to use the features and apps. It’s a steep learning curve but Dean catches on quickly, or at least he likes to think he does. Sam keeps texting him in the middle of learning things so of course he becomes very familiar with the keyboard.

“You can’t keep buying me things,” says Dean.

“Yes I can.”

“You can’t. I have to buy my own crap.”

“But you couldn’t afford this.”

“Yeah, that’s the point. You don’t need to buy me things I can’t afford.”

“I can do whatever I want,” says Cas.

Dean raises an eyebrow. He’s suddenly glad they’re not having sex because the only way he can think to thank Cas is with a blowjob. But he can’t give Cas a blowjob. He can’t give Cas anything equal to what he’s given Dean. Then he has an idea.

That night before bed he places an order on his new phone. Sam had to talk him through adding his credit card to his account, but whatever, he got it done in the end. He pays for expedited shipping and waits patiently for the package to arrive.

The next few days are torture because he’s so excited to see Cas’s face when he opens the package.

It finally arrives and Dean is the first one home so Cas has no idea. He runs up to his room where he’s hidden glittery blue wrapping paper. He felt a little ridiculous buying the paper, but not more ridiculous than he felt buying the actual present.

He makes dinner (chicken marsala) and sets the present in the middle of the table next to the salad. He feels a little nervous. He hopes the present is a good thing and that it doesn’t upset Cas, but most of all he hopes it fits.

Cas gets home and calls for him as usual.

“In the kitchen,” answers Dean.

Cas stops when he reaches the doorway. “What’s that?”

“Chicken,” answers Dean, knowing good and well he’s being a smartass.

“No, the box.”

“It’s a present.”

Cas frowns and tilts his head.

“It’s for you,” says Dean. “Open it.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“I wanted to. You’ve been so nice to me; I wanted to give back to you. Besides I think you’re going to like it. I hope you like it.”

Cas takes the box and begins slowly unwrapping the gift. “This was wholly unnecessary.” He finally gets down to the large white box under the paper. He opens it carefully. It’s agonizing watching him move so slowly, but Dean doesn’t rush him. He looks from the box to Dean.

“Take it out,” says Dean.

Cas pulls the sky blue dress from the box. He holds it up against his chest. It has a corset top with off the shoulder, tulle straps. It’s a little long, long enough to fit a crinoline underneath. Dean just recently learned about crinoline from the nice woman who sold him the dress.

Cas’s eyes start to water. He looks from Dean to the dress and back at Dean.

Dean stands and quickly goes to his side. “It’s ok,” says Dean. “It’s just a dress.”

Cas carefully lays the dress over the back of a chair and turns to Dean, cocooning himself against his chest.   
“I’m sorry,” says Dean. “Was that wrong?”

“It’s Cinderella,” breathes Cas.

“Yeah, it’s the new version.”

“I can’t wear it.”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

Dean holds him as he clings to his chest. “It’s ok, Cas. You can do whatever you want to with it.”

Cas starts to cry.

Dean can tell because he’s shaking in his arms. He rocks him slowly back and forth. “It’s ok, Sunshine. I can send it back. No big deal.”

“No,” says Cas. “I love it.”

“Then let me help you put it on. I got a crinoline for it, but that’s upstairs. I didn’t want to crush it in the box.”

Cas looks up with tears in his eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Put it on,” says Dean. “And look,” he reaches into the bottom of the box, “I got a prince charming outfit too so I can match you.”

“It’s ok with you if I wear this?”

“Anything you do is ok with me.”

He buries his face against Dean’s neck. “Thank you,” he whispers.

“Come on,” says Dean. “Let’s change and eat dinner.” He takes Cas by the hand and grabs the dress and the box. He leads Cas upstairs to his room where he’s been hiding the outfits.

“I, um, I also got you a wig. I wasn’t sure how much you’d want to dress up.”

Cas wipes his eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Do you want me to help you get into it?”

Cas nods, blushing.

Dean helps him out of his shirt and maybe he’s a little too eager to see Cas in his boxers, but whatever. He’s never undressed someone just to dress them back up again. Once Cas is undressed, Dean quickly gets undressed as well. He’s planning to put on the prince costume, but Cas crashes into him, kissing him ferociously. He licks into his mouth and weaves his fingers into his hair. He walks Dean back until they hit the edge of the bed and Dean falls backwards.

Cas doesn’t falter; he kisses Dean harder, humming as his tongue enters his mouth.

Dean grabs him by the hips and thrusts against him.

Cas stops kissing him. He breaks away, panting and rests his forehead against Dean’s.

“It’s ok,” says Dean. “We can have this. I don’t feel like I owe it to you.”

“I’m sorry,” says Castiel quietly, “I can’t.”

“You could before. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s ok.”

“I don’t think I can wear the dress either.”

“Yes you can. You can wear the dress and we’re going to create new memories with it.”

Dean gives him a quick kiss, then eases Cas off of him. He stands and grabs the dress. “Stand up,”

Cas has tears in his eyes again. He stands.

“Tell me what they did to you,” says Dean gently.

“I don’t want to. Dean, I don’t think I can do this.”

“Yes you can. We’ll do it together one step at a time. You’re safe with me, Cas.”

He nods.

“In your own time, tell me what happened.” He holds out his hand.

Cas takes it. He’s shaking. “My father called me into my room.”

Dean pulls him close. “Then what?”

“He was waiting for me with my dress.”

Dean kisses his cheek.

“I thought he wanted to play with me.”

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean shakes the dress out with his free hand.

“He told me to put the dress on, so I did.”

“Ok, so we’re going to put on a new dress and I promise you only good things will happen. What did he do next?”

“Mom came upstairs with me. She was crying.”

Dean helps him step into the dress.

Cas closes his eyes. “My father took off his belt and began to whip me with it.”

Dean pulls the dress up and kisses him again. “No belts here,” he says.

Cas nods. He swallows hard. “I didn’t even try to run away. I don’t know why, but I just stayed there. I should have run.”

“You were so young. You were just doing what your dad told you to do.”

“I’m not sure if my mother watched or not. I just remember her crying.”

“I’m so sorry, Cas. That’s not fair at all.” He pulls the sleeves of the dress up around his shoulders. They hang off and expose his collarbone. “Turn around, let me cinch the corset.”

Cas turns and Dean does his best to lace up the corset back. “Too tight?”

“No, it feels good.”

He turns him back around and wipes the tears from Cas’s cheeks.

“I feel silly,” he says quietly.   
“Hang on, let me get into my costume.” Dean dresses quickly then he’s right back by Cas’s side. “You look really sexy in that dress.”

“My father said I looked like a fag.”

“Your father is an asshole. My dad’s an asshole too. You look like a damn princess.”

Cas blushes again. “I still feel silly.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a grown man in a princess costume.”

“I’m a grown man in a prince costume.”

“Yeah,” says Cas.

Dean sighs. “Ok,” he says, “I didn’t want to have to do this, but I will because I love you.” He kisses Cas on the cheek. “Turn around and close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

Cas turns around, eyes closed.

Dean shucks the prince costume and goes to the closet. He loves having a backup plan, even if that plan includes him wearing a dress too. He retrieves a poofy yellow dress and steps into it. “I, uh, I need some help,” he says.

“Can I look?”

“Yes.”

Cas turns around and gasps when he sees Dean. “You’re Belle,” he exclaims.

“Yeah, I’m Belle. Now we’re both grown men in princess dresses.”

“Does yours have a corset back?”

“Yeah. The lady said it would fit me better and I could adjust the size.”

“Turn around, let me lace you up.”

Dean grabs the skirt and turns.

Cas cinches the corset.

“I see what you mean about feeling silly,” says Dean.

“At least we’re silly together.”

“That’s true. Want to eat dinner then make out in princess costumes?”

Cas grins. “Yes.”

They go back downstairs to where dinner is waiting for them. Everything is cold so Dean has to heat it up again. It’s hard moving around the kitchen in a ball gown, but not impossible. Dean’s surprised to find that wearing a dress makes him feel kind of pretty. He never expected to like wearing the costume. They eat quickly, then Dean leads Cas back upstairs.

Dean pushes Cas down on their bed and climbs on top of him.

“Dean,” says Cas.

“Yeah?”

“I think I want to be on top.”

“Ok. Whatever you want.”

They switch positions and for some reason having Cas on top of him feels safe and natural. Cas kisses him, slow and deep.

“Maybe we should lose the dresses,” says Dean.

“I like the dresses,” says Cas.

“I do too, but I also like you naked.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Ok, you don’t have to.”

“I want to, but, I don’t know, I’m not sure I can.”

Dean brushes Cas’s hair from his face. “Do whatever you want to do. If this is what you want, we’ll do it. If you want more, we can do that too.”  
“I’m not sure what I want.”

“Ok, then we’ll just do this.” He kisses Cas.

Cas huffs, then stands up. “Help me out of this dress,” he says.

“I thought you didn’t want to take it off.”

“I changed my mind. I want to make out and I can’t feel you through the dresses.”

Dean gets up and helps Cas out of his dress. Then Cas helps Dean out of his. Cas hangs the dresses up in the closet. He says they’ll get wrinkled on the floor. They’re back in their boxers again. This time Cas pushes Dean down on the bed and straddles him.

“This is much better,” he says.

“I couldn’t agree more,” says Dean.

“I’m not sure what to do now.”

“Literally anything you feel like doing will be fine with me.”

Cas leans down and kisses Dean. His hips give a slight thrust.

Dean grinds upwards in response. He takes Cas’s hands and places them on his chest.

Cas tentatively runs a thumb over his nipple.

Dean hums. He arches his back and exposes his throat.

Cas catches on quickly. He latches onto Dean’s skin and sucks. He kisses his way down Dean’s neck and chest, then stops and licks gently at his nipple.

Dean threads his fingers through Cas’s hair.

Cas grinds down on him again. He looks up at Dean.

Something about his expression makes Dean pause. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m not sure. I want more but I feel strange doing it—like I’m overexposed.”

“I can fix that.” Dean rolls Cas off of him and climbs under the covers. “Come here,” he says.

Cas follows him under the comforter and climbs back on top of him.

“How’s this?”

“This is better,” says Cas.

“Good. We’ll take it slow. Just rock your hips a little.”

Cas does as he’s told.

Dean lets out a deep breath. “Good,” he says. “Now close your eyes and don’t think.”

Cas closes his eyes.

Dean brings Cas’s head down until their foreheads touch. “Just breathe,” he says softly.


	17. Chapter 17

Castiel breathes. He keeps rocking his hips against Dean. He’s hard and Dean is hard, too. He wraps his arms around Dean, one hand cradling his head. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but they keep going until Castiel isn’t sure he can control himself anymore. He lets out an involuntary moan.

Dean kisses his cheek and nips at his earlobe.

Castiel wishes he knew the right tricks and moves so he could please Dean the way Dean pleases him.

He tries to focus on what he’s feeling. Dean keeps making little sounds and Castiel focuses on them. They ground him and keep him from thinking. He’s on top. He’s in control. He’s doing this willingly. He’s a faggot.

He shakes his head.

Dean makes another noise. “Stay with me, Cas,” he whispers. He takes hold of Castiel’s hips and moves them to match the rhythm of his own. “You ok?”

“Yes,” breathes Castiel. He opens his eyes. He’s in control. He needs to embrace this or he’ll never be able to be with Dean like he wants. He pushes himself up and braces his hands on either side of Dean’s shoulders. He kicks Dean’s feet apart and settles between his legs.

Dean is watching him.

He grinds down hard and deliberately.

Dean moans.

He does it again, and again. He moves faster and faster, slotting their erections together. He wishes their boxers weren’t in the way. He wants to feel Dean, but he’s too nervous to stop what he’s doing.

Dean’s looking up at him, sweat forming on his brow. He swallows and the movement of his throat catches Castiel’s attention. He lowers himself down again and latches onto Dean’s neck, just below his Adam’s apple.

Dean makes a desperate little noise and it’s more than Castiel can take. He slides his boxers down and frees his cock.

Dean does the same, wiggling beneath him, then he reaches between them.

“No,” says Castiel. He takes Dean’s hands and pins them over his head.

Dean grins.

Castiel leans against Dean’s wrists and fucks against him.

Dean’s cheeks are flushed and his pupils are dilated. He’s beautiful like this.

“How do I make this last longer?” he asks

“Slow down,” answers Dean, panting. “Move your hips in a circle. There you go, just like that. Now rub you cock against mine.” He gulps. “Yeah. Like that.”

Castiel follows his every direction.

“Now just rock back and forth really slowly.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect.”

Castiel paces himself. He closes his eyes again and takes Dean back into his arms. His head is resting next to Dean’s. When he turns, he can kiss Dean’s cheek.

“When you’re ready to come, just speed up and tell me if you want my hand.”

Castiel nods. He can’t think about coming right now. He’s still getting used to the sensation of rubbing against Dean. He didn’t pay enough attention last time. He wants to savor this. He can feel the head of his cock catch against Dean’s skin. He thrusts a little faster. He feels the slow drag of skin against skin. It’s intoxicating. His eyes flutter shut.

He moves faster and faster against Dean. It’s hot and slick between them. Cas has only had this with Dean. He doesn’t masturbate often and he never watches porn. He can’t stomach it. This is different though, he wants this and the want is overriding every other feeling.

He focuses on the want and lets it drive all other thoughts from his mind. He wants Dean. He wants more than this. He wants to fuck Dean, but he doesn’t know how. He wants to take Dean in his mouth and swallow him. He doesn’t. He keeps moving his cock against Dean’s. He breathes Dean’s name. He’s going to come.

He thrusts harder and faster.

“Cas,” whispers Dean.

He kisses Dean hard and desperate. He comes and he feels Dean come right behind him. His hips stutter. He kisses Dean again and again. He releases Dean’s hands.

Dean grins and flips them so he’s on top.

He drags his cock slowly against Castiel’s, grinning. “You are amazing,” he says.

Castiel can’t form a cohesive thought. He just blinks up at Dean.

Dean kisses him, tongue sliding into his mouth and teasing him. “We should get cleaned up,” he says.

“I want to do it,” says Cas. “Stay here.”

He flips them back so he is on top. He slips away to retrieve a wet washcloth from the bathroom. He returns and cleans Dean first, kissing his skin as he goes, just as Dean did for him the first night they were together.

Dean stays there quietly while Castiel cleans them. He takes his time, kissing and licking at skin as he works. When he’s finished, he throws the washcloth on the floor and lays down on Dean’s chest.

Dean holds him and kisses the top of his head. “I love you,” he says quietly.

“I love you, too.”

Dean falls asleep quickly.

Castiel pulls away from him as gently as he can and goes to his laptop. He takes the computer into the guest bathroom and searches for gay porn. He finds what he’s looking for and clicks the link. He knows porn isn’t exactly realistic but he needs to know what he’s getting into.

He watches video after video of men getting fucked and it’s not at all appealing. He’s sitting naked on the toilet with his headphones in and the laptop perched on his thighs. He keeps waiting for something to arouse him but nothing does. After a while he starts imagining the men getting fucked are Dean. The sounds they make are Dean’s sounds.

He feels sick. He moves the laptop aside quickly and vomits into the toilet. Porn is clearly the wrong approach. He closes the laptop and goes back upstairs to brush his teeth.

He heads downstairs and tries again, this time searching for “how to have gay sex.” That leads him to more helpful links. One site says to tell him it’s your first time. That’s already checked off of the list.

Another site says to make sure you have access to medical attention. He’s a doctor, so no problem there.

Then he remembers Dean asked him if he was a bottom or a top. He searches for the terms. The idea of being fucked by Dean is very appealing, but the idea of fucking Dean is somehow more appealing. He decides he’s a top, or at least he is for now. He searches for how to top for the first time.

There are a variety of informative articles. They all say that foreplay is important and stimulating the prostate of your partner will increase his satisfaction.

Castiel searches for foreplay. That produces very helpful advice. One article lists all of the sensitive areas and how to treat them. Licking, sucking, light nibbling; it’s all there.

The ideas have him hard again. He’s not sure what to do about it, but imagining Dean bent over the bed while Castiel fucks him from behind is very intriguing.

Castiel takes his cock in his hand. He slowly strokes up and down. He closes his eyes and imagines his hand is Dean’s. He can almost hear the sounds Dean makes.

His breath hitches as he pumps his fist faster. It’s sheer bliss. He pictures Dean spread out on the bed on his back, knees pulled up to his chest. He bites his lip.

He imagines the warmth of being inside him, the way it feels to thrust in and out. His hips start to move on their own, fucking into his fist.

Suddenly he hears Dean calling for him.

He almost drops the laptop.

“Cas?”

He holds the computer over his erection and emerges from the bathroom.

Dean is at the top of the stairs. Castiel can hear him.

“Cas?”

He doesn’t have any choice but to answer and he has no excuse for what he’s been doing. Cheeks hot, he steps into Dean’s line of sight. “I’m here,” he says.

“What are you—” Dean looks from the laptop to Castiel. He smirks. “Was I not enough for you?”

“No,” says Castiel quickly. “You were more than enough. I just,” he sighs. “I just wanted to please you.”

Dean descends the stairs. He’s naked but he doesn’t seem to care. “Show me what you’re looking at.”

Castiel hands over the laptop.

Dean opens it.

Castiel had a million different tabs open. He hangs his head.

“Cas, I can teach—Why are you sad?”

“I’m not,” he says. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Why?” asks Dean. “You were just trying to find the right information.”

“Because I didn’t want you to find out.”

Dean takes his hand. “Listen, we can do this two ways. Both are perfectly fine. One, you can search for all the kinky things and show me what you’ve learned later. Or two, I can teach you kinky things and we can do this together.”

“I wanted to impress you,” says Castiel quietly. “I tried to watch porn, but that made me sick. I don’t think I can do this.”

Dean sets the computer on the stairs and takes Castiel into his arms. “There’s no rush. I’m as fucked up as you are. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. When you’re ready, we can figure it out but until then, let’s take our time.”

“I really do want you.”

“I know, I want you, too.”

“I think I’m a top.”

Dean laughs. “Yeah, I think so, too. I saw you searched for foreplay, is that something you want to learn?”

Castiel’s face is on fire. “Yes,” he answers.

“Basically everything we’ve done is foreplay. But there are a few moves I can show you.”

“Like what?”

“Like blowjobs, nipple play, when to bite and when to kiss. The basics.”

“I read about teasing the prostate. Is that something we should do?”

“Absolutely. I like to switch so I can top and bottom.”

“Maybe you should top first. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me.”

“I read that topping can be dangerous and you have to take care of your partner.”

“That’s true, but you’re already so careful. You’re not going to hurt me.” He stoops and grabs the computer with his free hand. “Come back to bed. We’ll worry about this later.”

Castiel follows Dean back upstairs. “I vomited,” he says.

“What, when? Are you ok?” Dean turns to him, concern written all over his face.

“I was looking at porn. Something happened. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have sex.”

“It’s ok if we never have sex,” says Dean. “You’ve got to know that’s fine with me. Hell, I’d be happy if all we ever did was hold hands as long as I get to be with you.”

“That’s very romantic.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve got a little caramel center.”

They climb back into bed.

“What kind of porn were you watching?” asks Dean.

“I don’t know. I just clicked on the first thing I found. Isn’t it all the same?”

“No. There is good porn and bad porn. You also have to find your kink. Everybody has a kink.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like you liked pinning my arms over my head, right?”

Castiel blushes. “Yes.”

“That’s a kink. I think you’d like light bondage, but I could be wrong.”

“I liked going slow with you,” says Castiel.

“Ok, so that’s passionate porn. That’s more romantic.”

“It’s difficult to imagine sex with anyone but you.”

“You know you don’t have to like porn, right? It can just be us. That’s fine with me.”

“I think I like that better. For now anyway.”

“Want to make out until we fall asleep?”

Castiel grins. “Yes. I’d like that very much.”


	18. Chapter 18

Dean feels himself sinking again. He doesn’t tell Cas or Sam. He’s sitting in the waiting room outside of Charlie’s office. He’s not sure if he’s going to tell her. He doesn’t really know what to say anyway. His life is a tightrope walk and he feels like he looked down for the first time in a while. He’s tired. Or at least he tells himself he is. He tells himself that’s the problem. But the real problem is that he’s terrified of falling, so much so that he’s repressed most of his life.

He can’t talk about it. It’s too much. The fear of falling is too great. If he carries on, business as usual, then he can stay in denial. But how long will that dam hold? How long before his problems bleed out onto the rest of the world?

He’s pulled from his thoughts as Charlie calls him into the office.

He takes a seat across from her.

“How are you?” she asks.

“I’m ok,” he answers.

“Just ok?”

He wonders if she can read his face. Suddenly, he starts to cry.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” answers Dean. So much is wrong. He’s not good enough for Cas. He’s not good enough for Sam. He’s just a worthless sex doll that got lucky. “I was feeling so good,” he says. “I can’t go back. I can’t feel the way I did before.”

“What makes you think you’re going back to the way things were before?”

“I don’t know. It’s just been too good for too long. I know something’s going to happen. I know something is going to make me go back to that place.”

“What place?”

“The dark place.”

“Are you talking about Alastair?”

He shakes his head. “No. It’s not a real place. It’s how I feel. I know I can’t keep feeling good forever. I know something is going to happen. I can’t do this anymore, Charlie.”

Charlie isn’t taking notes. She’s watching him very closely. “Why can’t you do this anymore?”

He stands. He can’t talk to her. He can’t talk to anyone right now and he needs to pull himself back together before he has to return to work.

“Dean, please don’t go.”

“If I stay I’m just going to cry and I can’t do that. I can’t look like a mess at work.”

“I’ll show you some tricks so it won’t look like you’ve been crying,” she says. “But please stay and talk to me. I want to know what’s going on. I won’t tell Castiel.”

He scrubs a hand over his face and sits.

“Are you afraid you’ll feel suicidal again?”

He nods. His throat has closed up. He doesn’t think he can talk still he tries. “I don’t know what made today so bad,” he rasps. “I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.”

“It’s ok to be afraid.”

“It’s not. I can’t stand it. I want to be happy, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m afraid of what is going to happen next.”

“What is the worst case scenario?”

“I don’t know. I go back to the dark place? I lose Cas and Sam. I go back to living on the streets and I kill myself.”

“Are you feeling suicidal now?”

“No but it’s always there, you know?”

“I do know, actually,” says Charlie. “I went through a suicidal period when I was young.”

“How did you recover?”

“Medication and therapy,” she answers. “And of course the support of my family.”

“Did you ever go back to feeling suicidal?”

“Yes,” she answers. “Honestly it’s happened a few times. But it’s never been as bad as it was the first time and it’s never lasted as long.”

“Are you afraid it will happen again?”

“Yes, if I’m being perfectly honest. I understand your fear and I know where it comes from. It’s ok to be afraid.”

He wipes his eyes. “What if I lose them?”

“You will always have your brother.”

“I’ve lost him before.”

“But he came back into your life. When he leaves, he always comes back, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.” But Dean knows if he goes through another long period without him, he’ll die. It’s not a question of if, but when.

Charlie eyes him. “You don’t feel like you’re in control, do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You feel like Castiel is in control.”

Dean’s heart nearly skips a beat.

“I don’t want to push you in a wrong direction, but have you considered getting a place of your own?”

“Yes,” says Dean quickly. “But I would miss Cas.”

“You could still stay with him, but what if you had a place that you kept for yourself.”

“I can’t afford to pay rent with Cas and rent an apartment.”

“Could you stop paying Cas and rent your own place instead?”

“I could.”

“What do you think about doing that?”

“I don’t know. I want my own place. But I also want to see Cas every day.”

“You don’t have to do it, but it’s something to consider. It would give you back control of your life.”

“You think so?”

“I do. But I don’t want to push you to do something that doesn’t feel right.”

“I’ll think about it.”

They spend the rest of the session talking about ways Dean can take control of his life. By the end, his eyes are dry and there’s no evidence he was crying. He goes back to work, somewhat numb from the session. If Bobby notices, he doesn’t say anything. But before Dean leaves for the day, Bobby stops him.

“Why don’t you have dinner with me and the Mrs. some time?”

“Sure,” says Dean. “When?”  
“How about Friday night? You can bring a date if you want.”

Dean licks his lips. Then he thinks, fuck it. He’s supposed to be taking back control right? “I’m dating a guy,” he says.

“Oh, well invite him. I want to meet him.”

“That doesn’t bother you?”

Bobby shakes his head. “Of course not. What do you think I am, some kind of asshole?”

Dean grins. “Just wanted to be open about it.”

“I’m glad you told me. If anybody gives you shit about it, come to me immediately. And I don’t just mean in the shop. I mean anybody, anywhere, anytime. I’ll handle it.”

“Thanks,” says Dean.

“I mean it.”

“I believe you.”

“Good.” He claps Dean on the back. “Go back home to your boyfriend.”

Dean leaves feeling a little lighter. He goes home and makes dinner. He doesn’t go into detail about his day. He doesn’t tell Cas about his talk with Charlie or the idea that he might move out.

They go to bed that night and Dean holds Cas a little tighter.

“What’s wrong?” asks Cas.

Dean laughs, his chest against Cas’s back. “Nothing’s wrong.” It’s a lie, but it’s funny how quickly Cas picks up on it.

He rolls over in Dean’s arms.

“You only hold me like that during your nightmares.”

“Sorry, I—”

“There’s nothing wrong with it. I like it. But it usually means something is wrong with you. Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m just cold.”

“Should I turn up the heat?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Cas searches his face in the darkness. “Something’s wrong.”

Dean sighs. “Charlie and I talked about getting my own place.”

Cas inhales. “And?”

“I’m supposed to be working on having more control over my life.”

“What does that mean?”

Dean licks his lips. “I think it means I have to move out.”

Cas sits up. “I don’t understand. You just decided this today?”

“No, I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

“You haven’t said anything about it.”

“I’m pretty sure I mentioned it once or twice.”

“So after everything, you’re just going to leave?”

Dean sits up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m asking if you’re going to leave me after everything we’ve been through together?”

“No, you idiot. I’m just talking about moving out on my own, not breaking up with you.”

Cas puts a hand over his mouth, tears in his eyes.

Dean pulls him into his arms. “It’s all right. I’m so sorry. I should have said that differently.”

“I’m sorry my first instinct was to be mean,” says Cas.

“It’s ok,” he says, stroking Cas’s hair.

“I just meant after all the ‘I love you’s and dinners and nights together—I didn’t want to lose you. I called Charlie such ugly names in my head.”

Dean laughs and kisses him. He closes his eyes and leans into it. He takes his time, licking the inside of Cas’s mouth. They break apart and Cas starts babbling again.

“Of course you can move out. I mean, I will miss seeing you but I understand why you need to do it.”

“I just need to get my own apartment somewhere.”

“I can help you, unless you don’t want help, which I understand.” He frowns. “But I also don’t want you to go.”

“Well I’m not leaving right now,” says Dean. “And it’s not like I won’t see you every day.”

“Then obviously you shouldn’t pay rent here anymore.”

“I can still pay something. I mean, if I’m over here all the time that only seems fair.”

“No. If you’re getting your own place then you don’t need to worry about paying me anything.”

“But what about—”

“I don’t need your money anyway. I’ve been saving the money you’ve given me so I can give it back to you one day.”

“Why? That’s not what you’re supposed to do.”

“It’s what I want to do. Besides, now I can give it back to you so you can have some seed money.”

“Keep it. If I have it, I’ll spend it.”

“No you won’t. You’re very good with money.”

“Just keep it.”

“So do you have a place in mind?”

“Not yet. I haven’t even looked at apartments. But I don’t think it’ll be hard to find something. It would be great if I could find a place close to you.”

“That would be nice.”

Dean lies back down and pulls Cas to his chest. “Sorry I scared you.”

“That’s all right. I’m sorry I was mean.”

“You weren’t mean. Glad to know you don’t want to break up though.”

“No I don’t. I like you a lot.”

“I like you too.”


	19. Chapter 19

Castiel adjusts his tie in the mirror. They’re having dinner with Bobby and his wife tonight. He fumbles with the knot until Dean comes into the bedroom and tells him he looks good.

“Bobby is great,” says Dean, adjusting Castiel’s tie. “You’re going to love him.” He kisses him on the cheek. “Man you look good in a suit.”

Castiel blushes. “So do you.”

Dean checks his own tie in the mirror. “I look like I’m trying too hard.”

“No you don’t. You look great.” He helps Dean into his jacket.

They get into Castiel’s car and Dean directs them to Bobby’s house. Bobby lives in the middle of a ten-acre salvage yard. They go to the door and Dean is fidgeting with his tie. Castiel takes his hand. He knocks.

A man, presumably Bobby, opens the door. “Right on time,” he says, ushering them inside. “We just pulled dinner out of the oven.” He leads them into the dining room. “This is my wife, Karen,” he says, introducing them to the woman setting the table.

“You must be Dean,” she says.

“And this is my boyfriend, Castiel,” he says.

“It’s nice to meet you both,” she says. “Dean, Bobby talks about you all the time. He’s very impressed with your work.”

“That’s nice to hear,” says Dean. “Bobby’s a great boss.”

Castiel is nervous through dinner and he tries not to fidget. At one point Dean has to hold his hand under the table to calm him down. He drinks a little too much wine and starts to relax.

After dinner Bobby and Dean go to the garage to talk cars while Castiel has coffee with Karen.

“You two really are sweet together,” she says. 

“Thank you,” says Castiel, blushing.

“How long have you been together?”

“Several months,” answers Castiel.

“Have you said the L-word yet?”

Castiel’s face flushes. “Yes. We said it sort of early.”

Suddenly Dean bursts into the living room with Bobby in tow.

“Your husband is crazy,” says Dean.

Karen laughs. “Did he give you the car?”

“You knew?”

“Of course,” she answers. “You should take it.”

“What’s going on?” asks Castiel.

“I’m trying to give your boyfriend a goddamn present,” answers Bobby. “Why is he so stubborn?”

Castiel shakes his head, “I have no idea.”

“Is he like this with you, too?” asks Bobby.

“Yes,” answers Castiel. “It’s impossible to do nice things for him.”

“Can you make him take the car?”

“I’m standing right here,” says Dean.

“What exactly are you giving him?” asks Castiel.

“An old car.”

“It’s a ’67 Chevy Impala,” says Dean. “It’s a classic.”

“It doesn’t run and it needs work,” says Bobby. “He’d be doing me a favor. I don’t have the time or energy to restore it.”

“He’s been waiting to give you that car since the first week you started working for him,” says Karen. “Not to mention it would be doing me a favor to get it out of the garage.”

“Let me pay you for it,” says Dean.

“All right,” says Bobby. “The car is $1.”

“I’m serious,” says Dean. “I’ll buy it from you, but you have to actually charge me.”

“Why won’t you just take it?”

“He’s stubborn,” says Castiel. “It’s hard to do nice things for him.”

“How about this,” says Dean. “I’ll fix up the car and if you change your mind and want it you can keep it.”

“No,” says Bobby. “Karen, help me out here.”

“Dean,” she says, “Bobby and I don’t have children. We like to do things for people who remind us of us when we were younger. You remind Bobby of himself and he wants to do something nice for you. Please accept this gift. It’s really not much. It’s an old car with a bad engine and it’s taking up space in my garage. It’s not a handout and you don’t owe us anything. We have lots of old cars on our lot. Bobby has had that Impala for a little over five years and he hasn’t done anything with it.”

“And I don’t want to,” says Bobby.

“But—” begins Dean.

“No,” says Karen. “This is a small gesture. Just accept it.” She smiles and sets a hand on his shoulder. “And really, I want that space back.”

Dean looks to Bobby. “Are you sure?”

“I’m positive,” he answers. “If you’ll take it I’ll have it towed to the shop tomorrow and you can work on it there.”

“Thank you,” says Dean quietly. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Thank _you_ ,” says Karen. “I finally get my parking space back.”

They stay and chat a little longer. When Bobby yawns for the second time they take that as their cue to leave. They say their goodbyes and Castiel and Dean head back home.

Dean has a new car. He’s going to get his own place. He won’t need Castiel much longer. He doesn’t say anything, but a small part of Castiel’s heart breaks.

***

Castiel hates it when Dean moves out. He hates his house, his job, his car, his reflection. He hates everything. He helps Dean move into the new space and prepares to say goodbye. He reminds himself it’s not for good it’s only for tonight.

He’s standing in the kitchen of Dean’s apartment just waiting to leave. Dean is busy with something in the bedroom that is supposed to be some kind of surprise.

“Ok,” calls Dean, “come in.”

Castiel enters the room.

“Tada,” says Dean, gesturing to his dresser. “The top one is your drawer, and there’s one in the bathroom too.”

“Really?”

“Really. I thought it would be nice if you spent the night here with me.”

“I didn’t pack anything.”

“I did,” says Dean. He opens the drawer.

Castiel sees a pair of pajamas, a few t-shirts and other articles of clothing in the drawer.

“I stole some stuff and bought some stuff,” says Dean. “You’ve got toiletries in the bathroom already.”

Castiel hugs him. “Thank you,” he says into Dean’s neck.

Dean squeezes him tight. “Did you see the clawfoot tub?”

“I did.”

“I’m awful dirty after all this moving,” says Dean. “Want to help me get clean?”

Castiel laughs. “Yes, I really do.”

Dean pulls him in for a kiss and they stumble to the bathroom together. Dean turns the water on and they wait for the tub to fill. They end up on the floor with Dean writhing on top of Castiel.

“The water,” says Castiel.

Dean rolls his hips down. “Let it flood.” He mumbles the words against Castiel’s neck.

Castiel laughs and he shoves Dean off of him.

Dean recovers instantly and starts undressing. He’s naked and in the tub before Castiel has taken off his pants.

“Hurry up,” says Dean.

Castiel removes his clothes and gets into the tub. He leans back against Dean and Dean wraps his arms around him. He nibbles on Castiel’s ear. “Love you,” he murmurs.

“I love you too,” says Castiel. He lays his head back on Dean’s chest.

Dean reaches around him and slowly strokes Castiel’s cock.

“I can’t reach you,” says Castiel.

“Relax. Just enjoy it. Close your eyes.”

Castiel closes his eyes while Dean slowly pumps his fist around his cock. Castiel lets out a low moan and Dean nuzzles against his ear.

Dean takes his time kissing and licking at Castiel’s neck and nibbling his earlobe. The handjob is also slow until the very end when Castiel is about to come. Then

Dean quickens his pace and he comes in the water.

“Now we need a shower,” says Castiel.

“Damn,” says Dean. “I guess that means we have to be naked longer.” He kisses Castiel’s cheek and they stand up to drain the tub. As he turns on the shower, Castiel sinks to his knees.

He kisses his way down Dean’s body until he gets to his cock. He licks the tip tentatively, waiting to see if Dean objects.

He doesn’t. He’s staring down at Castiel.

He takes Dean into his mouth and bobs his head back and forth. He remembers a trick he found while researching sexual activities. He squeezes his thumb in his fist and takes Dean’s cock all the way into this throat. It works. For some reason squeezing his thumb controls his gag reflex. He does it again and again until Dean’s knees are trembling and he has to brace himself against the wall.

Castiel bobs his head faster and holds the base of Dean’s cock. He strokes the shaft and sucks on the head.

Dean’s breathing is heavy. He runs his hands through Castiel’s hair. Castiel sucks on his cock for a while, he varies his speed and intensity. Dean stays quiet through all of it. He comes in Castiel’s mouth. Castiel swallows and licks Dean clean.

Dean sinks to his knees. He holds onto Castiel and it takes Castiel a minute to realize he’s crying. He clings to Castiel, digs his fingers into his skin.

Castiel rocks him back and forth. “It’s ok,” he says. “What are you thinking? What’s going on? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” mutters Dean. “I’m sorry I don’t know what’s happening.”

Castiel holds him. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m just thinking how much I trust you and how much I love you.”

Castiel kisses his neck because that’s all he can reach. “I love you too,” he says.

Dean is shaking.

Castiel runs his hand over Dean’s back.

“I never thought I was going to get out of that place,” says Dean. “I thought I was going to die there. I wanted to die.”

“You were so close to death when we found you.”

“I was starving myself.” He breaks from Castiel and wipes his eyes. “I started staving myself and Alastair figured it out and stopped feeding me.” He gives a hollow laugh. “He stopped feeding me but never stopped fucking me.”

“I’m so sorry Dean.”

“I’m ok now,” he says. “I don’t know why this is coming up now. I just never thought I’d be here with someone like you.”

Castiel stands and he pulls Dean up with him. He takes Dean into his arms and threads his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

“You’ve done enough,” says Dean.

“I can always do more.”

Dean sighs. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve everything good that comes to you. I wish I could give you more.”

Dean kisses his neck and moves to his lips. He kisses Castiel deeply. “I love you,” he says again. 

Castiel grins. “I love you too.”

Dean kisses him again.

“Let me wash you,” says Castiel, grabbing the soap.

Dean starts to protest, but Castiel silences him with another kiss. He cleans Dean then Dean takes the soap and cleans him. Once they’re done, they dry off and get into bed naked.

“Turn over and lay on your stomach,” says Castiel. “I want to massage you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re tense and this has been a big day and I want to take care of you.”

Dean groans as Castiel shoves him onto his stomach. He kisses the center of Dean’s back and starts massaging his shoulders. He works his way down Dean’s body, kneading the tense muscles. Dean relaxes beneath his touch.

Castiel alternates between touch and kisses. When he gets to Dean’s feet, he starts massaging his way back up to Dean’s shoulders.

Dean has fallen asleep by the time he finishes. Which is good, Castiel wanted him to be comfortable.

Castiel curls up beside him and Dean, half awake, rolls over and pulls Castiel to his chest.

“Let me do you now,” says Dean.

“No,” says Castiel. “It’s time to sleep.”

“But I’m awake now,” says Dean. He pushes Castiel onto his stomach and straddles his legs. He massages Castiel the same way Castiel massaged him. It’s gentle and relaxing and Castiel understands why Dean fell asleep. As he’s drifting off, Dean reaches his shoulders again.

He leans down to Castiel’s ear and whispers, “I want you.”

Castiel perks up immediately. “What?” he asks.

Dean lays down beside him. “I want you,” he says again.

“You have me,” says Castiel

“No, I want you to fuck me.”

Castiel gulps. “I don’t know how.”

“I can guide you. But I think I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Do you want to?”

“Yes,” answers Castiel.

“I don’t want to rush you.”

“I’m ready,” says Castiel. “I want to do this, but I honestly have no idea how to begin. I know I have to um, stretch you, right?”

“Yeah,” answers Dean. “I bought some lube so that will help. I figured we’d need it eventually. It makes everything feel better.”

Castiel bites his lip. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Yes,” answers Dean. “I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t ready.”

Castiel rolls over to face him.

Dean looks very serious.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” says Castiel.

“You’re not going to hurt me,” says Dean. “I’ll tell you if something is wrong.”

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t even know how to begin,” says Castiel.

“Yeah you do. We start with foreplay just like we usually do.”

“I’ve suddenly forgotten everything we’ve ever done.”

“Relax, it will be easy.”

“How are you so calm?”

“It’s easier for me to be calm when you’re a little freaked out.”

“What if I’m calm?” 

“Then I’d stop thinking about you and start thinking about me and I might freak out.”

Castiel sits up and straddles Dean’s lap. “I want you to think about you,” he says.

“What if I don’t want to think about me?”

“I want you to be present and I want you to make sure you enjoy everything we do.”

“I always enjoy everything we do.”

“You know what I mean. If something bothers you I want you to be aware. I don’t want you to try to power through any of this because you’re worried about me.”

Dean huffs.

“Does that mean you agree?”

“Yeah,” mutters Dean. 

“Will you tell me the second you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable?”

“Yes,” says Dean.

Castiel kisses him. “All right. Then let’s do this.”


	20. Chapter 20

It starts with a kiss.

Dean’s heart is pounding.

“Remember that I love you,” whispers Cas. “And remember to tell me the second you become uncomfortable. We can stop at any time.”

“Ok,” breathes Dean.

“Remember where you are and remember you are safe.”

“Ok.”

Cas reaches between them and strokes Dean’s erection.

He tries not to think about his first time with Alastair. He’d kissed Dean too.

Cas kisses his neck, sucking gently at the skin. His body is warm against Dean’s.

Alastair wasn’t warm. He didn’t take his time.

Cas is going very slow. He moves down Dean’s body, teases his nipples with his tongue and fingertips. He’s clearly not in a hurry.

Dean shivers as Cas flattens his tongue and sucks his nipple. He reaches blindly for the lube, but Cas stops him.

“Let me,” he says. “I don’t want you to do anything but relax.” He continues to kiss along Dean’s body. He stops between his legs and takes Dean in his mouth again.

Dean closes his eyes. Alastair always skipped foreplay, even in the beginning.

Cas encourages Dean to lift his legs so his knees are bent and his feet are planted on the bed.

Dean takes a deep breath.

Cas works his way back up to Dean’s lips. They make out for a while. It’s gentle and slow but it doesn’t do much to distract Dean from what’s coming next.

“Your heart is racing,” says Cas.

“I know.”

“We don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” says Dean. “Just stop talking and kiss me.”

“I told you I don’t want to do this if you’re going to power through. You have to want this.”

“I do want it. Don’t make me beg.”

“I’m not making you beg. I just want you to be sure.”

“I am sure.”

“You don’t sound sure.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Would you fuck me already? I hate talking about it.”

“I’m not going to fuck you if you’re upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

“You sound upset.”

“I’m not.” Maybe he is. Maybe he’s a little pissed because Cas is calling him out on every tiny thing that happens. But Cas is trying to be considerate. “I’m just nervous,” says Dean. He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how this is going to work.”

“Should I talk you through it? Or maybe we should do this another time.”

“No, I want to do it now.”

Cas huffs. “All right,” he says. “This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to kiss you. We’re going to go slow. Then I’m going to, um, finger you.”

“I don’t need a play by play.”

“Well it seems like that might help.”

“Can we stop talking about this?”

“I’m worried about you,” says Cas.

“I’ll tell you if something is wrong.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Cas eyes him and tilts his head.

“I’m ok,” says Dean.

Cas nods. “All right,” he says.

“Kiss me,” says Dean.

Cas leans down and kisses him softly.

Dean will never get tired of the way Cas kisses him. It’s always sincere and loving. He hopes Cas can feel how much Dean loves him.

Cas works his way back down Dean’s body. He pays special attention to Dean’s cock, licking and sucking.

After a while Cas stops what he’s doing and retrieves the lube.

Dean watches him, hyper aware of what they’re about to do. His mind is screaming at him. It’s so loud he can’t make out what he’s actually thinking. But his body wants Cas. He knows that much is true. He can actually feel himself longing for him.

Cas opens the lube and squirts some into his hand. He rubs it around. He lowers his head again and returns to sucking Dean’s cock.

Dean’s waiting for Cas to tell him to turn over onto this stomach. Alastair liked to fuck Dean from behind. He’d stretch him open, just enough, then fuck him senseless into the mattress or floor. He never bought Dean any clothes either. What would be the point? Dean was a sex toy. He didn’t need clothes. Sometimes he didn’t fuck Dean. Sometimes he’d just make Dean blow him. Alastair liked long blowjobs. He liked watching Dean.

Suddenly Cas stops. “Stay with me,” he says.

Dean nods. “Sorry,” he says.

Cas looks up at him. “Where are you?” he asks.

“In my apartment.”

“That’s right. Who are you with?”

“I’m with you.”

“Are you safe?”

“Yes.”

“I’m serious. Do you feel safe?”

“Yes,” answers Dean, with a little more energy.

Cas presses a finger against his hole. “Do you still want me?”

Dean nods. He has to remind himself not to be tense. It hurts more if he’s tense. Then he reminds himself it won’t hurt. Not with Cas. Cas is going to be good to him. Cas will stop if he says so.

Cas is nipping and sucking at skin around his cock. He rubs the pad of his finger in circles against Dean’s entrance.

Dean grabs the sheet. He knows the moment of truth is approaching.

“Do you still want this?” asks Cas.

“Yes,” answers Dean quickly.

Cas slips a finger inside him.

Dean exhales.

Cas finds his prostate quickly and begins a gentle massage with his fingertip.

“Oh my God,” breathes Dean. This feeling is completely new. Alastair definitely never did anything like it.

“Good or bad?” asks Cas.

“Good,” answers Dean.

Cas presses a little harder and Dean’s toes curl. He massages Dean’s prostate until Dean thinks he’s going to come just from that. Then he introduces another finger. It doesn’t hurt at all.

Cas licks Dean’s cock and holds it with his free hand. He sucks the head and runs his tongue over the slit. He stretches Dean slowly, giving him plenty of time to adjust to the sensation. He works Dean open until three fingers fit comfortably inside him. There isn’t any pain or blood or screaming. Dean isn’t tied to the bed or threatened. He isn’t rushed or forced.

Are you ready?” he asks.

“Yes,” answers Dean.

Cas gets to his knees and before he does anything else, he kisses Dean. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll tell me if I hurt you?”

“Yes.”

He kisses Dean again and lines up with his entrance. He presses into him. He makes a quiet little noise and his eyes flutter.

Dean arches his back. He knows how to make a show. But he doesn’t have to pretend this time. Having Cas inside him is perfect. It’s everything he wants.

Cas thrusts once, twice, three times, then he sets a steady pace. He’s watching Dean closely. He must be looking for any signs of discomfort.

Cas hits his prostate again and again.

Dean is moaning, “yes, yes, yes.” His legs are shaking. He can tell Cas is trying to keep it together, but he’s panting and beads of sweat are forming on his forehead.

“Are you still ok?” breathes Cas.

“Yeah,” answers Dean. “You can go a little harder.”

Cas quickens his pace. He fucks Dean hard and deep.

Dean’s never felt anything like this before. He’s not even thinking about Alastair. His mind is totally on Cas. The way Cas is looking at him. The way Cas is fucking him. The way Cas’s arms are trembling. The way he’s panting and making little noises. Dean loves all of it.

He bares his neck and Cas collapses down onto him and latches onto the exposed skin.

Dean wraps his legs around Cas’s waist. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, with Cas moving inside him. He comes on his own stomach and Cas comes inside him a minute or so later.

He pulls out slowly then kisses Dean deeply. They cling to each other through the aftershocks.

“Ok?” Cas asks.

“Fantastic,” answers Dean. He holds Cas against his chest. “That was incredible.” He wants to hold Cas and never let go, but they need to get clean first. “Come on,” he says. “Let’s clean up then we can get back in bed.”

Cas agrees somewhat reluctantly. They wash up and curl back into bed.

“I never thought I’d do that,” says Dean.

“Neither did I.”

Cas is pillowed against Dean’s chest.

Dean kisses the top of his head.

“I don’t ever want to move,” says Cas.

“Same,” says Dean.

Cas turns his head and kisses Dean’s chest. “And you’re sure you’re all right?”

“I’m positive,” answers Dean.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m just thinking about you.” That’s mostly true. Alastair is in the back of his mind. Maybe he’ll always be there. He’s a little reminder that Dean fucked up. That at one point, he was someone’s bitch. He can’t help but compare Cas to Alastair and it’s not really a fair comparison at all. He squeezes Cas a little tighter and Cas squeezes him back.

Cas sighs. “I wish I could take your pain away,” he says quietly.

“I’m ok. I don’t want you to worry.”

“I worry. It’s what I do.”

“I’m ok, I swear.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Just you.”

Cas runs his fingertips over Dean’s bare skin. “I know you must be thinking about him.”

Dean sighs. “I can’t help it. But that’s for me and Charlie to work out.”

“She doesn’t tell me what you two talk about,” says Cas. “You can tell her anything.”

“I know. I trust her.”

“Good.”

“I trust you, too.”

Cas nuzzles against him. “And I trust you.”

They fall asleep and Dean doesn’t wake up until their alarm goes off that morning.


	21. Chapter 21

Castiel wakes up alone in his bed and remembers last night was not a night with Dean. The past two nights were not nights with Dean. Sam was in town and he was giving the two some space. Sam leaves this afternoon. Already grumpy, he rolls out of bed and gets ready for work.

He goes through the motions for the first part of his day. He’s distracted when he meets Gabriel for coffee. Gabriel takes notice.

“Thinking about your boyfriend?” he asks.

Castiel looks down at his drink.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I miss him,” says Castiel.

“Don’t you see him every day?”

“Almost everyday. I saw him every day when he lived with me.”

“But you’re happy for him, right?”

“Of course,” answers Castiel. “And I’m so proud of him for being independent.”

“But?”

Castiel shrugs. He knows perfectly good and well why he’s ill. He had dinner with Sam and Dean the first night Sam was in town. Sam casually mentioned that Dean needed to visit him some time. Then he said it would be nice if they lived in the same town. He didn’t elaborate and the conversation turned to something else. But Castiel knew the implications of that train of thought.

It would be better for Dean to live in Washington. Sam lived near Seattle. Dean would have more resources there. He’d probably have more friends. Sam would never move back to North Dakota. Eventually Sam is going to talk to Dean about moving. Dean would be crazy to say no. Eventually Dean is going to leave and he is going to have to talk to Castiel about their relationship and where they are in it.

“Hello?” says Gabriel, waving a hand in front of Castiel’s face. “You didn’t really answer the question.”

“I think he’s going to leave me,” says Castiel.

Gabriel frowns. “Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m worried for nothing.”

“You guys seem so happy? Why would he leave?”

“His brother lives in Washington. They’ve just reconnected. I know Sam will want Dean to move there with him.”

“Why can’t Sam move here?”

“They grew up here and they both have bad memories of being here. It would make sense for them to live somewhere else.”

“And you wouldn’t go with Dean?”

Castiel opens his mouth, then shuts it. He looks to Gabriel. “I honestly don’t know.”

Gabriel makes a face. “Sounds like you’ve got some hypothetical thinking to do.”

“This isn’t just hypothetical.”

“Well it’s not real yet.”

“It’s going to happen.”

“For all you know he’s happy here.”

“Alastair is here. He’s not going to stay.”

“Way to end the relationship before it’s over.”

“I’m not ending it. I’m just preparing for the inevitable.”

“You should talk to him about it.”

“I don’t want to come off as paranoid.”

“Then stop worrying.”

“I can’t help it.”

Gabriel downs the rest of his coffee. “Talk to him,” he says. “You could be worried for nothing.”

Castiel follows him as he leaves the coffee shop. They go their separate ways. Castiel spends the rest of the day practicing what he’s going to say to Dean.

He comes home to the smell of something garlicy cooking in the oven.

Dean is in the kitchen singing. Music is playing.

Castiel doesn’t recognize the song but he’s happy nonetheless. He slips his arms around Dean’s waist.

“Hey Sunshine,” says Dean.

Castiel kisses his neck. “I need to talk to you,” he says quietly.

“That can’t be good,” says Dean. He turns around and Castiel’s arms fall to Dean’s hips.

“It’s not bad, I just want to talk about the future.” The inevitable.

“Does the future include me?”

“I hope so, but I don’t know if that’s realistic.”

“I don’t like the way that sounds.”

“It’s just that Sam lives in Washington. I’m sure he doesn’t plan on coming back here, and I can’t keep you here forever.”

“I haven’t even thought that far ahead,” says Dean. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.”

Dean cups Castiel’s face in his hands. “I love you,” he says. “I want a future with you.”

“I think you’re going to want to move with Sam eventually.”

“You can’t predict the future.”

“Have you and Sam talked about it.”

Dean bites his lip.

Castiel takes Dean’s hands in his. “I don’t want to talk about this, but I think we have to.”

“You can come with me,” says Dean.

“My life is here,” says Castiel. “But I know your life is somewhere else.”

“I want you to be a part of my future.”

Castiel feels himself on the verge of tears. “I think eventually we will go our separate ways.”

Dean lowers his voice. “Are you trying to break up with me, Cas?”

Castiel doesn’t know how to answer that. He’s not sure there’s much point in staying together if they already know an end is coming.

Dean pulls his hands away and turns off the stove. “Dinner’s ready,” he says.

Castiel should say something, but he doesn’t.

“I’m not feeling too hungry,” says Dean. “I think I’m gonna head out.”

Castiel just nods.

Dean looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. He just leaves.


End file.
